Five Illogical Hatreds

A few years ago, my room mate introduced me to the concept of "illogical hatreds". He said that he has five things that he absolutely cannot stand, for little to no reason what so ever. Sounds a little silly at first, until you actually sit down and think about some of the things that really irk you. They can be the most inane things at times.

Other times it makes perfect sense.

Here's a rundown of my room mate's five illogical hatreds. The line up has changed a little bit over the years, as things cause him more or less rage.

1. The Cold

Why would anyone want to live where this happens?

As any true southerner, my room mate hates the cold. But he also grew up in Florida and California in addition to North Carolina, so he really hates the cold. When it's cold, he just can't think, can't move. He basically shuts down and becomes non-responsive, far more so than seems necessary for the simple fact of climate.


2. New Jersey

The number one thing you want to do while in Jersey? Leave.

This particular entry used to be a combination of New York and New Jersey, but after a nice visit to Albany and a few other places, he narrowed it down to New Jersey. Probably already the most hated and picked on state in the Union, New Jersey really probably doesn't mind that much that some random college kid hates it.

3. Curly Hair

Frankly, curly hair is only a small part of what's wrong with this guy.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Curly hair? Really? That is illogical." And honestly this is probably the best possible example of an illogical hatred. My room mate hates curly hair, and for no reason at all. He once dated a girl who put her hair in ringlets for dance routines and he wanted to break up with her every time she did. You can't explain it. It is simply an irrational, illogical, impractical hatred.

4. People Talking to You While You're Eating Cereal.

This will make sense in a few lines.

This one toes the line of illogical, because there is a reason behind it. Once he pours that milk into his bowl of cereal he is "in a race with the Devil" to eat the cereal before it becomes soggy. When people try to talk to you, it's tough to hear them over the crunching of your non-milk drenched cereal. You can't answer them without stopping your breakfast. However, much like the cold, his contempt for this exceeds any rational level of hatred for such a simple act.

5. Blue Tooth

Normally blue tooth users are just crazy, not crazy hot.

Anyone who has ever seen one of those people use a blue tooth in public knows what we're talking about here. But although you might be annoyed when you think for a split second that the complete stranger in front of you in line at the grocery store is asking you about your day, you don't want to inflict bodily harm on them the way my room mate does.


After hearing his list of illogical hatreds, I was more than willing to think of the top five things in my life that I hate. Now, I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going guy, but there are a lot of things out there that I just can't stand. I mean, a lot of things. Some minor, some major. In fact, one of the reasons I like sports so much is their capacity for legitimizing hatred. Hatred of a person, a city, or anything really. Below is my list of illogical hatreds.

1. Hipsters

It stopped being ironic about six years ago. Now it's just annoying.

Hipsters are one of the banes of my existence. They are like some bizarro-world version of frat boys. So much disdain is leveled upon them, yet if you're not careful, you could find yourself surrounded by them, especially in college. I hate nearly everything about them, and it's not like they ever did anything to me. Oh well.

2. Michigan

Yes, we get it. Your state is shaped like a fucking mitten.

Yes, I know that both my room mate and I hate a state. But while he mostly hates the people in New Jersey, I hate the entirety of Michigan. I despise the people, famous and not, with their obnoxious accents. I pull against any and all sports teams and athletes that come from that state. I heap insults upon their cities, infrastructure, economy, even the very geography of the state.

3. Abstract Art

"What do you mean you don't get it? It totally represents imperialism."

Now, this might seem like a bit of an overlap with my aforementioned distaste for hipsters. It is. But I hate abstract art with every fiber of my mind, body and soul. Alternately, I really enjoy realist art, and even a Picasso every once in a while. But abstract art is a parasite siphoning off talent and resources from the world of real art. Most of it takes little to no skill, and what is depicted can often be indiscernible, even with the help of the title.

4. Really Old People in College

Now I can get a MyFace or a SpaceBook account to pester my class mates.

Every once in a while, you might happen to run into an older person going back to school to either finish a degree they left off many years ago or to pursue a career change. When you meet this person, do you have to suppress the urge to ask them why the hell they insist on impugning on your own scholastic journey? I do. And it happens a lot. As a graduate student (old people) in history (old people), I am inundated with octogenarians who are desperate to impart their irrelevant stories about what they were doing back in 1937 to me. I don't mind that in context of telling personal stories, but how is that pertinent to our discussion of McCarthyism?

5. People Who Suck At Video Games, And Refuse Help

In order to play Guitar Hero, it helps to actually press buttons.

This one could actually be condensed to people who don't accept advice or offers of assistance in general, but nothing earns my ire faster than somebody who is obviously terrible at a video game, but won't accept any tips from an older, more experienced player. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, I'm just trying to tell you how to not continuously run into walls or shoot your own team mates. It's for your own good. And everyone around you would probably appreciate it as well, they just don't want to say anything.


Since our illogical hatreds bring so much joy to us, (ironic, I know) we often speak about them to friends, and then have them come up with their top five list of pet peeves that really don't make much sense at all. Although I can't remember all the ones I've heard, here are a few examples that stick with me for some reason or another.

1. Rudolph

Just look at that evil red nose.

Yes that Rudolph. One person hates Rudolph as the embodiment of everything that is wrong with American and Christian society today. When we told him to search for something deep down that really annoyed him, it took about 1.3 seconds for him to spout this little gem.

2. Potatoes

You say 'potato', I say future french fries.

What about them you ask? I don't even know. She couldn't explain it, making it an excellent example of an illogical hate. An illogical hate can be illogical because of the unnecessary level of hatred it accrues from you, but one that is a complete non-sequitur is always great to have.

3. Shirts That Have the Sleeves Cut Off to a Ridiculous Length

But with everything between his armpits and his bottom rib exposed.

You've all seen them at the gym. Some boy playing basketball has obviously decided that he needed to cut the sleeves off his old high school football shirt. Perhaps he does it so his jump shot isn't impeded by that bothersome fabric. But why did he cut it all the way down to his ribs? I hope to God that he knows, because I surely don't, and I approve this friend's illogical amount of hatred for silly wardrobe choices.

4. Being Asked if You Want Your Tea Sweet or Unsweet

"What do you mean this tea is sweet?"

We live in the South. As such, you would think that anything labeled "Tea" should be sweet. Well, one of our fellow southerners actually really hates the fact that this happens. She's not sure if it is the grammatical connotations or the simple fact that sugar is added to tea to make it sweet, hence tea without sugar should be just tea. Maybe it's because most of the world drinks their tea unsweetened. Whatever the reason, she's against it.

5. Mormons

They'd like to talk to you about Jesus, version 2.0

One friend of mine, who is known for his hatred of...well, nearly everything, hates Mormons. Now, I can see a few reasons to dislike them; he's black and Mormons had a longstanding bias against black people; to the outside observer their religion can seem ridiculous, and the list goes on. But he doesn't settle for mocking them. Oh no. He has that hate in his heart. If given the chance, he would probably bring ruin to the Mormon church through some sort of Bond villain-esque schem involving lasers or controlling the world's supply of mayonnaise.


Well, that about does it for the illogical hatreds post. If you have any particularly vexing things that you feel the need to share, be sure to do so. If there is an explanation for it, (if not, all the better) be sure to include that with the topic. Hope to hear some really ridiculous rage being brought to the forefront of your thoughts in the not so distant future.