Life With One Channel

My room mate and I are cursed with terrible television options. Since we don't pay for cable, and our reception is almost non-existent, the only channel we get is NBC. The only freaking channel. One time I came into the living room as he was watching television, and asked him what he was watching. "What the fuck do you think I'm watching? Our one fucking channel, that's what the fuck I'm watching!"

Since the start of the semester, we have come to despise nearly everything that is on NBC, with the exception of Thursday nights. Thursday nights have Community, Parks and Rec, The Office and 30 Rock. All really funny shows. But other than that, most of the things we watch are absolutely terrible. Every now and then another show will give us a small ray of hope, like Heroes, Chuck or the Marriage Ref, but for the most part life with one channel is like being stranded on a desert island with an eighty year old woman. Every once in a while you'll look at her, only because there's nothing else to see.

"Hey old lady. Show me your boobs again...........Gross!"

That being said, we felt the need to share some of the moments of our television watching experiences that were so terrible they looped around and back into awesome. In a town with no news, the local news is understandably anemic. Greenville local news is so terrible that the newscasters reek of the same desperation normally found in Los Angeles strip clubs. They frantically try to hold on that one day they will no longer be forced to degrade themselves over and over again, in the hopes that their inner star will be discovered, catapulting them to the top.

I'll begin with the pathetic attempt at capturing worthwhile news articles and public interest pieces. You know that scene in Anchorman, where Will Ferrell's character comments on a clip shown on his news station by saying, "Ha, ha. That squirrel can water-ski."? Greenville's local NBC news, WITN, actually showed that clip! And not even ironically! They showed that shit right after a piece on the rising number of people who get their news over the internet! And they wonder why it happens?

Seriously WITN?

Another time, they had a story about an old man and his grandson. They had a habit of journeying around Greenville, looking at trains parked in various places, searching for cabooses. "Okay" you think, "That's cool. It's local." What I didn't mention yet was that this story was their top news segment! They spent six minutes out of half an hour on this ridiculous waste of airspace. What lead paint eating director green lighted that?

Moving on past the dearth of actual journalism that plagues our only station, it's time to transition into the titanic failure that is their late night programing. Where to begin? The fiasco of the their revolving door lineup for latenight? Having to wait longer for Jay Leno's comic stylings? Not getting to watch Conan at all? Suffering through Jimmy Fallon's embarrassing attempt to be funny? Let's begin with Jimmy Fallon, since he's the easiest target. And by easiest target, I mean it's like picking on Jimmy Fallon, because that's how easy it is. We don't need any other thoughts in this simile.

Or "Fever Pitch", take your pick.

We'll start off with what had promised to be the best part about Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The Roots. Sadly, although Quest Love and his band mates soldier on as best they can, watching what this show does to them is akin to watching your best friend being beat up in a corner, while some asshole in a good suit looks at the camera and giggles. You know what I'm talking about. It's embarrassing. Jimmy Fallon took a successful and critically acclaimed band, and reduced them to making "Ba-dump, bump, tshh!" sounds after his unfunny musings and attempting to cover some song that sort of relates to the special guest on stage at the moment.

If you can stagger through the desolate wasteland that is Jimmy Fallon's attempts at charming or funny conversation, you are rewarded with Carson Daly. Carson Daly's show is not anything like most late night shows. Mostly because he spends a lot of time speaking with an obviously blazed out of his mind Snoop Dog, who complains about how he doesn't get enough critical acclaim for his acting ability. Carson looks at Snoop with an expression of "I can't believe you're actually saying this shit" upon his face.

Can we put this shit on television?

Memorable quotes include this gem of Snoop wisdom, "I mean, if it wasn't for the people who started hip hop, we wouldn't have hip hop today." and "Whenever I create a character, I really like to become that character." My room mate looks over at me and says, "I bet he had to do some real soul searching to prepare for his role in Old School. He should have won an Oscar."

Imagine the situation on set. The firemen bust into Snoop's trailer with fire extinguishers at the ready after seeing smoke billowing out from under the door, only to realize that Snoop was just getting into character.

How high? Stoner of the Year high.

And as much as I love America, and enjoyed cheering on athletes like Shaun White to victory during the Winter Olympics, there was nothing else on NBC for weeks. For weeks! From the very first failure at lighting the torch, we knew that the Winter Olympics on NBC would not be the pinnacle of organization and media excellence.

Picture this: for two weeks straight. (pun)

We had to put up with hours upon hours of ice dancing, curling, and the terribly boring biathlon. How could a sport that comes straight out of a James Bond movie be so disappointing? Seriously. And the people who commented on the events were ridiculous. One commenter remarked that one pair in partner figure skating was dissapointed with their performance. He said that it "would rankle in their hearts for years to come." They won gold. I'm sure that the memory of their colossal failure on the ice would indeed fester for the rest of their lives.

I know that I'm the best, but my mother still doesn't love me.