Hipsters! Gosh!

The topic of today's post, with a little help from Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics fame, is . . .

What's the deal with them?

After my recent post about bicycles, I realized that I do actually need to get a post out there about hipsters and why they suck.

Now, I know what you're thinking, provided of course that you're thinking the following sentence: "Gee, Doctor Woofers, what are hipsters and why do they suck?"

Stay tuned for the answer!

*Disclaimer*

This post isn't meant to hurt the feelings of anyone who identifies themselves as a quote-unquote "hipster", merely to vent some of my irrational hatred in a humorous fashion for the entirety of the interweb to see. If you think it might hurt your feelings to find out that hipsters are what's wrong with the world today, you probably shouldn't continue reading this post.

Sums up my feelings on hipsters.

For starters, take a quick visual survey of what constitutes a hipster by checking out the website "Look At This Fucking Hipster" at http://www.latfh.com/. The people who run this site have been bringing the issue of hipsters, that plague upon humanity, to the attention of anyone who has access to a computer with internet capabilities (and now to anyone who can find a book store with the release of their book).

Hipsters.

They probably knew about this pic before it went mainstream...

I am not alone in my distaste for these unwashed masses, but perhaps I am alone in how irrationally I despise them. I mean, sure it's culturally acceptable to have a bad opinion of Hitler, but hipsters are surely nothing like him, right?

Wrong!

Look at those ironic mustaches!

I'm going to organize this rant against hipsterdom into three categories: belongings, clothing and personality. Each of these three categories is nearly enough to earn my undying antipathy towards hipsters, but together they create a trifecta of annoyance.

Material goods such as bikes and headphones.

Hipsters are defined by their possessions. As much as they wish that they could go all "Fight Club" and be liberated from their belongings, they actually go the opposite direction, and are seemingly incapable of realizing that they are their pair of skinny jeans, they are their Buddy Holly frame glasses.

Even though they like to dress like they shop at a thrift store, or scavenge their clothes directly from the dumpster, all hipsters love to buy things that help create their image or give them "hipster cred".

How hipster marriage ceremonies probably look.

Things that give them acceptance by their peers include, but are not limited to anything that Apple has ever made or will make. You name it, Macbooks, iPhones, iPads, if you tell a hipster that Steve Jobs was involved with developing it you could probably sell him a large steaming pile of cow feces.

Old vinyl records of obscure bands. Nothing screams "I am a hipster!" more than having an obscure version of a particular song on a largely obselete form of technology. It would be like if I really wanted to have a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special on Beta-Max or some shit. It makes no sense, and is often more expensive than just getting the mp3 of your favorite Clash song.

Plus you have to deal with people like him.

Also, fixed gear or antique bicycles. Hipsters fucking love these things. If they can't have one of these to get to their independent record store on, they might have to settle for a 1980's Volvo or something else suitably retro like an AMC Gremlin or a Ford Pinto if they can find one.

It just screams "I might be legally retarded!"

You might have already read my blurb against fixed gear bicycles in the previous post, but if now, here's a brief summary: they suck. Not only are the frames usually expensive, the tires fragile and the brakes non existent, they don't allow coasting. Not having to exert physical effort is the best part about using wheeled transportation.

Getting a regular bicycle and turning it into a fixed gear bike is like getting a car with power steering and then cutting the lines just so that you'll look cool for your friends. It makes no sense what so ever, yet hipsters flock to fixed gear bikes and the shops that service them like homeless people to an underpass.

I'm sure that there are other things that hipsters possess that I just am not currently annoyed by, but will remember at a later date.

True fact: All hipster closets are replete with skinny jeans.

Perhaps the easiest way to spot a hipster (aside from hearing an obscure band blasting from their over sized headphones) is by their clothing. Unless said hipster is attempting to fit in with the rest of the world, whether because they have a real job or they think it'll be ironic, a hipster will instantly be identifiable by the mismatched articles of clothing that they drape over their often androgynous bodies.

I'm going to start at the feet and work my way up with things that annoy me about hipsters.

Feet: Individualized Chucks or Rainbows. My dad wears Chucks, not because he's a hipster, but because he's almost fifty years old, and has a right to wear old style shoes if he wants to. Now, I'm not putting down Chucks, because they are nice shoes. But hipsters take them and cover them with sharpie, and sequins, and alternate lacing patterns.

WTF? Honestly, I've got no beef with Rainbows either, it's just that hipsters wear them when there's snow on the ground. What is that about? Is frostbite cool again?

I could have sworn that went out of style with dysentery.

Legs: Skinny jeans or ridiculously short shorts. Alright, without the adjectives in front of them, jeans and shorts sound like what normal people wear. Unless of course you combine them to form the almighty pair of jorts. And that's cool with me. However, I would gladly let gun control laws become lax enough to allow assault rifles for fourth graders if there was some way to have stricter clothing restrictions.

Men should not wear skinny jeans. End of argument.

Be grateful I didn't use a fat guy.

If you argue against my statement, then you are obviously someone who wears them and as such have no place in this argument due to your deteriorated mental state. Also, wearing the same style of shorts that YMCA youth did in the 50's does not make you cool. All it does is make you look gross, because your legs are usually pasty pale and excessively hairy. As somebody who has hairy legs, I am not suggesting you shave them, merely wear shorts that are closer to your knees than your crotch.

Pictured: A hipster who knows how to wear shorts (anomaly)

Torso: Up above whatever studded or sequined or random object used as a belt any given hipster wears around their waist comes the ridiculous shirts, jackets, vests and other things used to cover up their top half if they aren't flaunting their ripped physique.

Fact: hipsters love terrible shirts. Whether it's a sweat stained v-neck plain t-shirt,


a horrible sweater,

some sort of plaid/stripe combo

or just a massive dosage of their all time favorite word.

(Hint: it's irony)

After this we get on to accessories. Accessories like ironic fanny packs, or ironic sunglasses, or weird piercings, or the ever classic "culturally signficant piece of clothing until we got ahold of it" things like those omnipresent keffiyeh used as scarves.

Yes, I said it. Kanye is a fucking hipster.

That's pretty much all the space I have for complaining about the way hipsters dress, so it's on to the next category!

The most insidious trait of the hipster.

On a scale of bad personalities, ranging from angsty teenager (best) to Sarah Palin (worst), hipsters score a Snooki (previously thought to be an unachievable low). And no, that is not a compliment. The danger posed by hipsters is greatest when they are not easily identifiable via their belongings or appearance. If you see someone dressed like they were dressed by aliens who had no actual understanding of clothing, you might either assume that they are Japanese, or just a hipster.

Either way, don't take anything they say seriously.

The key character traits espoused by hipsters include, but are not limited to "irony", "individuality", "retro", "enlightened" and "pretentious". (Editors note: I know that they don't think of themselves as pretentious, but such a majority of them subscribe to that personality trait that I felt bad leaving it out.) For some reason the best way to exemplify these personality traits are drinking PBR, having terrible hair cuts, weird tattoos and listening to bad music.

First off, you may have noticed that I've used the word "irony" or "ironic" like a couple dozen times in this post, almost always incorrectly. That's right bitches, I know what the word means and the proper usage of it! Because I happen to be terrible at grammar and punctuation, you might not gather that I know a lot of words, and what most of them mean, if not how to spell them. Hipsters, on the other hand do not. This does not stop them from applying it to every single facet of their lives.

"I have a tattoo of PBR, isn't that ironic?"

No! Perhaps the toxic levels of douchebag that you are attempting to shield your eyes from have corrupted your vocabulary usage!

Irony is when you do one thing and an unexpectedly opposite result occurs, or when you say one thing and mean something contrary to what you said, or even when you're a character in a book and your words mean something more to the reader than they do to you.

Ironically, the term MILF was invented the next year.

The only way the PBR tattoo turns out to be ironic would be if he died from being hit by a can of PBR dropped from off the top of the Empire State Building. Aside from the irony, that whole situation would be totally fucking awesome... I mean... sad. Right. Sad...

Last time I checked, a PBR loving hipster and a tattoo getting hipster are often one and the same. What an amazing coincidence that this person would conceive of getting a tattoo of something he loves! I, for one, am astounded!

Philosoraptor's mind is blown!

And so we conclude this chapter on hipsters. Both because I have momentarily run out of things to type, and because my co-host needs to leave.

This joke brought to you by www.thedoghousediaries.com

For a bit more reading on the subject, check out these links, or just search hipsters in Google to see how they don't believe in the census or some stupid shit.

Wikipedia entry on Hipsters

Hipsters Desperately Seek New Anachronism to Claim as Their Own

Hipsters: The Dead End of Western Civilization

Bicycle Hijinks!

For those of you who don't know what a bicycle is. . . Don't laugh, the internet is a big place, odds are there is somebody out there who doesn't know what a bicycle is. Okay, you're probably right, go ahead and laugh. . . a bicycle is an amazing invention allowing for the rapid transit of bipedal organisms across great distances through that miracle of science: the wheel. (Also involved are minor things like gears, hydraulics, pressurized air and metalworking)

Most bicycles (commonly shortened to "bikes") look like this:

Some have room for two passengers.

It is a well known fact that bikes are popular with people who fall into three general demographics, with some exceptions as well as overlap.

1.) Little kids. Kids fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they're just kids! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets for toys and the ever popular playing cards in the spokes! Vroom! Vroom!

Little Susie's parents obviously love her bunches!

2. Poor people. Poor people fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they can't afford them! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets to collect bottles in and the ever popular "life's belongings sack"! Sadness...

The dirt bike seat makes him feel fast!

3. Foreigners. Foreigners fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they're terrible drivers! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets for physics textbooks and the ever popular rickshaw set up! Bicycle taxis!

I like to think he's hauling Styrofoam blocks for a Great Wall scale model.

"But wait!" you say. "What about countless health nuts, college students, or hipsters? How could you forget about the hipsters? They're so omnipresent and sickening in their smug self satisfaction while riding their fixed gear bikes in their skinny jeans and ironic mustaches!"

Oh, I didn't forget about those aggravating, annoying, ass hats. No such luck for them. However, I don't have time to go into hipster hate mode. For a bit more on that subject, check out the post dealing with "Irrational Hates". Suffice it to say, that if I went down that road, this post would likely have no end.

My room mate has three bikes. They're all some sort of fancy-pants single gear, fixed gear, racing, road bike, high tensile aluminum something or another. They're each worth a couple hundred dollars easy, a thousand or so if you were to steal them and then pawn them off to somebody who really knows their bikes.

(Editor's note: if you do steal and then pawn said bicycles for exorbitant amounts of cash, remember that just because this blog is non-profit doesn't mean we don't accept donations!)

We also accept money orders and food.

I, on the other hand, have one bike.

It is a Huffy "Meltdown", and is a vivid coloration of black and red, with standard tires, shocks, brakes, five speeds, etc. However, it is probably not worth a couple thousand pennies when it comes down to it. I joke and tell people that I've had it since I was in the 5th grade, but now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I've had it since like 3rd grade.

Now, you might think to yourself "Self, that's an awfully nice keepsake of youth to hang onto, to cherish those memories of halcyon days gone by. Perhaps I shall do the same..."

Ah... memories.

Don't.

At least not like I did. If you are going to do so: keep it well oiled, polished, in a temperature controlled environment, and just don't abuse it in general. Also, stop growing when you get to middle school. Or at least have a really big bike when you were young, otherwise you'll look like me when I ride my bike.

When we go ride our bikes around campus, or anywhere really, this is what I look like:

Except with more facial hair.

Yes, my room mate says I look like a bear riding a tricycle.

Laugh it up.

If you've seen Will Ferrell's "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" you might remember the scene where Ricky Bobby delivers a pizza to his estranged father Reese. Having had his liscense revoked, Ricky Bobby is forced to ride a bike around. That's me. The only details that don't match up are the color of the bike, those sweet jorts and the calf length socks.

"Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!"

Size hilarity aside, it's actually a decent bike. Decent in the very loosest possible sense of the word. Decent as in it actually has two wheels, handle bars, a seat and brakes. It gets me where I'm going, and almost as fast as if I was running. Literally.

I have timed myself biking at a decent pace the 2.5 miles from the apartment to where I work and back, and the time is the same as if I was on foot. For a reference point, I normally run about about 7-8 minute miles unless I'm running for my life. And when I run I don't hear the creak of rusted chains and the squeal of brakes on the verge of locking up.

Last semester, my room mate and I went to Raleigh for the First Friday event held every month. We took our bikes, the better with which to wander around down town. Both his fancy-schmancy bike and his friend's nice bike got flat tires, or busted inner-tubes or something along those lines. I was the only one with a fully functional bike, loosely speaking.

And boy did I rub it in.

At least this is as funny as it is non-functional.

I did replace an inner-tube a couple months afterward. That was the first money I'd spend on that bike since I bought a lock to keep homeless people from making the mistake of stealing my crappy bike with ease.

Then my room mate got the idea to take one of his bikes to the local bike shop and change it from fixed gear to single gear. Since he had recently gotten his hands on some of those Silly Bandz, he didn't feel the need to try and be cool with a fixed gear bike. I'm not making this up.

Those were his exact words.

Figuring I'd go along and see what the bike shop could do for my wobbly back tire, I brought my bike along as well. At first, the bike shop people were flabbergasted as to why somebody would want to change away from a fixed gear bike.

This, I don't understand. At all. Fixed gears basically keep your feet moving at all times. You can't coast. And everyone knows that coasting is like, a gazillion times better than pedaling! You just let inertia, or gravity, or the car that's towing you take care of the forward momentum. It's fucking awesome. Think about if you could just coast around on your feet. People would do that shit constantly!

Between these and my Heelies, I'll never have to walk again!

So, after they get done with taking care of his bike, they turn to mine. Almost managing to keep his natural disdain in check, the bike guy says "Well, it looks like your bike isn't in the best of shape."

What I wanted to say: "No shit, Sherlock! I haven't given this bike anything except abuse for the past 15 years. At least Harry Potter got to live in a nice dry cupboard! Perhaps you should go around pointing out the obvious for a living instead of fixing bikes, because you're freaking awesome at it!"

What I actually said: "Oh, yeah. I probably haven't taken the best care of it, and it is a pretty old bike."

And the "Understatement of the Year" award goes to....

After bad mouthing my bike for another few minutes, he determines that one of the spokes on the back tire is broken, causing it to wobble. The good news is that a new spoke only costs about a buck fifty. The bad news is that with labor and what ever else made up expenses they can lump in it will be about twenty five dollars.

Okay. That back wheel was really annoying me. If I spend a bit now, I can limp along for another few years on this bike. They tell me it will take them till tomorrow to have it fixed, so we leave.

A few hours later I get a call from them saying they've put in a bunch of time and labor just trying to get the back tire's rim re-aligned or dents removed or something. Long story short, it's going to take a lot of money to fix this bike.

Money I don't want to spend.

I tell them not to fix anything more until I get there tomorrow and see what all needs to be done and how much it will cost. They say alright. Perhaps I should buy a new bike and use this one for spare parts? Although the parts on this bike probably aren't even worth that.

I don't want to pay money for repairs I didn't want. All I wanted was to have that spoke replaced, now they're going to charge me enough to buy a new bike? Fuck that!

Time for a plan!

My plan? I'm just going to leave the bike with them. Ignore their calls. Refuse to take the bike back. If I don't take it back, they can't make me pay the fees right? (Okay, I know that's probably legally inaccurate, but a man can dream can't he?) All they have is my name and number. I'll just tell them to keep the hunk of junk and consider our score even.

Paying more than the bike is worth is definitely not on my list of things to do. Apparently though, my list of things to do will soon include avoiding solicitors on bicycles. So now my options are to either get a big boy bike, or walk. And I think we both know what option I'll be taking.

That's right, be jealous.

Five Illogical Hatreds

A few years ago, my room mate introduced me to the concept of "illogical hatreds". He said that he has five things that he absolutely cannot stand, for little to no reason what so ever. Sounds a little silly at first, until you actually sit down and think about some of the things that really irk you. They can be the most inane things at times.

Other times it makes perfect sense.

Here's a rundown of my room mate's five illogical hatreds. The line up has changed a little bit over the years, as things cause him more or less rage.

1. The Cold

Why would anyone want to live where this happens?

As any true southerner, my room mate hates the cold. But he also grew up in Florida and California in addition to North Carolina, so he really hates the cold. When it's cold, he just can't think, can't move. He basically shuts down and becomes non-responsive, far more so than seems necessary for the simple fact of climate.


2. New Jersey

The number one thing you want to do while in Jersey? Leave.

This particular entry used to be a combination of New York and New Jersey, but after a nice visit to Albany and a few other places, he narrowed it down to New Jersey. Probably already the most hated and picked on state in the Union, New Jersey really probably doesn't mind that much that some random college kid hates it.

3. Curly Hair

Frankly, curly hair is only a small part of what's wrong with this guy.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Curly hair? Really? That is illogical." And honestly this is probably the best possible example of an illogical hatred. My room mate hates curly hair, and for no reason at all. He once dated a girl who put her hair in ringlets for dance routines and he wanted to break up with her every time she did. You can't explain it. It is simply an irrational, illogical, impractical hatred.

4. People Talking to You While You're Eating Cereal.

This will make sense in a few lines.

This one toes the line of illogical, because there is a reason behind it. Once he pours that milk into his bowl of cereal he is "in a race with the Devil" to eat the cereal before it becomes soggy. When people try to talk to you, it's tough to hear them over the crunching of your non-milk drenched cereal. You can't answer them without stopping your breakfast. However, much like the cold, his contempt for this exceeds any rational level of hatred for such a simple act.

5. Blue Tooth

Normally blue tooth users are just crazy, not crazy hot.

Anyone who has ever seen one of those people use a blue tooth in public knows what we're talking about here. But although you might be annoyed when you think for a split second that the complete stranger in front of you in line at the grocery store is asking you about your day, you don't want to inflict bodily harm on them the way my room mate does.


After hearing his list of illogical hatreds, I was more than willing to think of the top five things in my life that I hate. Now, I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going guy, but there are a lot of things out there that I just can't stand. I mean, a lot of things. Some minor, some major. In fact, one of the reasons I like sports so much is their capacity for legitimizing hatred. Hatred of a person, a city, or anything really. Below is my list of illogical hatreds.

1. Hipsters

It stopped being ironic about six years ago. Now it's just annoying.

Hipsters are one of the banes of my existence. They are like some bizarro-world version of frat boys. So much disdain is leveled upon them, yet if you're not careful, you could find yourself surrounded by them, especially in college. I hate nearly everything about them, and it's not like they ever did anything to me. Oh well.

2. Michigan

Yes, we get it. Your state is shaped like a fucking mitten.

Yes, I know that both my room mate and I hate a state. But while he mostly hates the people in New Jersey, I hate the entirety of Michigan. I despise the people, famous and not, with their obnoxious accents. I pull against any and all sports teams and athletes that come from that state. I heap insults upon their cities, infrastructure, economy, even the very geography of the state.

3. Abstract Art

"What do you mean you don't get it? It totally represents imperialism."

Now, this might seem like a bit of an overlap with my aforementioned distaste for hipsters. It is. But I hate abstract art with every fiber of my mind, body and soul. Alternately, I really enjoy realist art, and even a Picasso every once in a while. But abstract art is a parasite siphoning off talent and resources from the world of real art. Most of it takes little to no skill, and what is depicted can often be indiscernible, even with the help of the title.

4. Really Old People in College

Now I can get a MyFace or a SpaceBook account to pester my class mates.

Every once in a while, you might happen to run into an older person going back to school to either finish a degree they left off many years ago or to pursue a career change. When you meet this person, do you have to suppress the urge to ask them why the hell they insist on impugning on your own scholastic journey? I do. And it happens a lot. As a graduate student (old people) in history (old people), I am inundated with octogenarians who are desperate to impart their irrelevant stories about what they were doing back in 1937 to me. I don't mind that in context of telling personal stories, but how is that pertinent to our discussion of McCarthyism?

5. People Who Suck At Video Games, And Refuse Help

In order to play Guitar Hero, it helps to actually press buttons.

This one could actually be condensed to people who don't accept advice or offers of assistance in general, but nothing earns my ire faster than somebody who is obviously terrible at a video game, but won't accept any tips from an older, more experienced player. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, I'm just trying to tell you how to not continuously run into walls or shoot your own team mates. It's for your own good. And everyone around you would probably appreciate it as well, they just don't want to say anything.


Since our illogical hatreds bring so much joy to us, (ironic, I know) we often speak about them to friends, and then have them come up with their top five list of pet peeves that really don't make much sense at all. Although I can't remember all the ones I've heard, here are a few examples that stick with me for some reason or another.

1. Rudolph

Just look at that evil red nose.

Yes that Rudolph. One person hates Rudolph as the embodiment of everything that is wrong with American and Christian society today. When we told him to search for something deep down that really annoyed him, it took about 1.3 seconds for him to spout this little gem.

2. Potatoes

You say 'potato', I say future french fries.

What about them you ask? I don't even know. She couldn't explain it, making it an excellent example of an illogical hate. An illogical hate can be illogical because of the unnecessary level of hatred it accrues from you, but one that is a complete non-sequitur is always great to have.

3. Shirts That Have the Sleeves Cut Off to a Ridiculous Length

But with everything between his armpits and his bottom rib exposed.

You've all seen them at the gym. Some boy playing basketball has obviously decided that he needed to cut the sleeves off his old high school football shirt. Perhaps he does it so his jump shot isn't impeded by that bothersome fabric. But why did he cut it all the way down to his ribs? I hope to God that he knows, because I surely don't, and I approve this friend's illogical amount of hatred for silly wardrobe choices.

4. Being Asked if You Want Your Tea Sweet or Unsweet

"What do you mean this tea is sweet?"

We live in the South. As such, you would think that anything labeled "Tea" should be sweet. Well, one of our fellow southerners actually really hates the fact that this happens. She's not sure if it is the grammatical connotations or the simple fact that sugar is added to tea to make it sweet, hence tea without sugar should be just tea. Maybe it's because most of the world drinks their tea unsweetened. Whatever the reason, she's against it.

5. Mormons

They'd like to talk to you about Jesus, version 2.0

One friend of mine, who is known for his hatred of...well, nearly everything, hates Mormons. Now, I can see a few reasons to dislike them; he's black and Mormons had a longstanding bias against black people; to the outside observer their religion can seem ridiculous, and the list goes on. But he doesn't settle for mocking them. Oh no. He has that hate in his heart. If given the chance, he would probably bring ruin to the Mormon church through some sort of Bond villain-esque schem involving lasers or controlling the world's supply of mayonnaise.


Well, that about does it for the illogical hatreds post. If you have any particularly vexing things that you feel the need to share, be sure to do so. If there is an explanation for it, (if not, all the better) be sure to include that with the topic. Hope to hear some really ridiculous rage being brought to the forefront of your thoughts in the not so distant future.