Baby Face, Part Two

So, I recently posted an article about how my room mate looks a lot younger than he is. Despite the fact that even when he gets to be fifty he probably won't look much older than thirty, he sees his looks as a handicap. Personally, I don't get it. But it is funny, and so I'm going to write some more about it.

Often times, I think of him like Calvin, of the beloved Bill Watterson comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes". This comparison works well, because I compliment as Hobbes fairly well if I do say so myself.

I'm a little bigger, have more fur, and am lazy like a cat.

My room mate is impulsive, imaginative and incorrigible. That being said, he has aspirations that are bigger than his body (like being LeBron James), he has an odd way of expressing himself at times, and "seems cursed with an unnaturally thin beard".

As often as I rag on him about his inability to cultivate his own beard, every once in a while the tables are turned. One time, his mother and step father stopped by. Upon greeting me, the step father asks if perhaps I've lost any weight recently. I informed him that yes, the two of us had been going to the gym every morning and I had lost a bit of weight. "That's good" he says. "I thought you had. You look a little thinner in the face. More feminine."

Apparently what I looked like that day.

Now, I had a full beard going on at the time. Not like an "I've been shipwrecked on an island for the past three years with no company besides a volley ball" beard, but a solid "I could totally be a hockey player who just happens to have all his teeth intact" amount of facial hair. This was a pretty obvious burn on me.

My room mate immediately runs back into the living room laughing and pointing, probably saying something along the lines of "Awww! Burn!" or "How does it feel asshole?", I'm not really sure. I was still a little in shock. I learned a valuable lesson that day. It hurts to be told you aren't manly. So you should strike first and call the other person feminine.

I'll see you in Hell, baby face!

That being said, back to ripping on my room mate for being the one who normally gets called out for looking like a small child.

One time, my room mate and I were in the library along with three girls. We were in the graduate students study room, which is supposed to be only for graduate students. None of the girls were grad students, and all of us were laughing and carrying on, not exactly what should be going on in study room reserved for serious academic research, or whatever us grad students are supposed to be doing.

According to the internet, we're supposed to be grading papers.

Any way, I see the library security guard walk by the room, glaring at us a little bit. Not wanting to get on the bad side of the library staff, I quickly tell everyone in the room that I just saw the guy walk by, and that we should probably be quiet. I then told everybody that if the security guy comes back, "Everyone act like you're old. Grow beards or something." I turn to my room mate and make as if to console him, or tell him that it's okay if you can't grow a beard.

Insinuating that three undergraduate girls have better odds of growing out a beard than you do as a twenty five year old male could probably be devastating to one's self esteem. But we don't care about that here. All we care about is laughing at, with or about something.

He's a "collie-flower"! That joke slays me!

Next joke on the old/young room mate.

Back in his undergraduate days, he spent an inordinate amount of time at the library. Like, he spent so much time there that he got a chair with his name on a plaque there. When coming back from the library late at night, walking across the darkened campus, sometimes he would be a little bit scared of running into some vagabond criminal or other type of ruff customer.

Get it? "Ruff" as opposed to "Rough"? Dog-gone funny.

In order to combat this potential threat upon his person, he would use a little bit of stage craft to make him appear tougher than he was. What's this you ask? A fake mustache. My room mate would wear a fake mustache so that he would appear creepy and macho. Nobody was going to try and molest him if he looked like he might molest right back. I am not making this up.

Lastly, for Halloween we dressed up as Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's characters from the SNL digital short "Dick in a Box". I already had a beard that I could trim down into the correct ridiculous facial hair. My room mate not so much. So we started searching for some fake facial hair to glue onto his face or something.

The right facial hair really makes or breaks the costume.

Every single costume shop was out of fake blond facial hair. Not only had nature conspired against him to prevent him from growing his own, but the retail world had also deemed that he should be without facial hair. We used a sharpie, which actually ended up looking pretty good, especially if the lighting was dim.

Artist's simulation

Hope you've enjoyed this post, and I apologize for the rather overboard usage of photos of dogs. What can I say, it just made me laugh. And that's what it's all about.