Things To Say In Certain Situations

One of the classic forms of humor is when there is an incongruity between something that happens and what you'd expect. If you think about it, a large percentage of the jokes you know stem from such a mismatch between situation and reaction. But like any aspiring funny-person knows, sometimes good laughs need preparation.

I don't mean that you purposefully rent a giraffe and take it to the local pub or anything, I mean that you try and focus on wordplay, double entendres, or at the very least making a funny face here and there.

That's the stuff!

Those are all great ways to get a chuckle, a giggle, a tee-hee, a chortle, a guffaw, or some manner of mirth-induced vocalization. And just because I happen to like you, and am a fan of spreading laughter in general, here are three things that you can say whenever you want to (hopefully) get a decent laugh in specific situations.

"Again?"

Seriously?

Have you ever had something bad happen to you? Who are you kidding? Of course you have. Unless you've lived a charmed life up until now, something bad has happened to you. Odds are, many bad things have happened to you. In fact, I'd wager that something bad has happened to you multiple times.

For instance, my POS car has decided to not shift out of park and had to be fixed on 3 separate occasions. People who know me well know that my car is unreliable. And I'll be like "Again?", because I'm just so exasperated with the constant disappointment of my car. But what if something happens that has not happened before, and you still say "Again?"?

I don't just mean that the first time you go to a new restaurant and the waiter accidentally forgets that you specified that you didn't want onions with your steak. I mean some CRAZY shit. Like you're sitting around your apartment watching a DVD, and a SWAT team crashes in through the windows and front door. After you overcome the residual effects of the flash-bang grenades, you look around and utter an exasperated "Again?".

"Who's retarded now?"

"If you ain't first, you're last."

Have you ever won an award? Or been recognized in front of a group of people for doing something that perhaps your parents wouldn't be ashamed of? If you're reading this right now, sadly you might not have.

Well, think back to the last time you witnessed somebody accept an award or honor. What happened? They got up to the stage, thanked some people (maybe a flying spaghetti monster) who helped them out, or inspired them, or whatever. The point is that they normally go on and on about how lucky they are, or how hard they've worked, or some other humble pretenses.

Or have some black guy steal your mic. It's whatever.

The first thing you need to say is "Who's retarded now?". Instantly, everyone watching you will honestly assume one of two things. One, that at some point your teacher, parent, mentor or whatever has told you that you were mentally handicapped and would never amount to anything. That is a little disheartening, but still really funny. Or second, that you're calling them (the audience members) retarded. That might not be too funny to them.

"Are you faking it?"

"This better not be a plea for attention..."

Everyone knows that a time honored tradition of "playing dead" in order to avoid being eaten by a bear. How that advice came about (maybe the bears?), nobody knows. Possums do it, hog-nose snakes do it, lots of animals pretend to be dead in order to avoid danger. How it works, nobody knows. Isn't the point of being a carnivore to hunt, kill and subsequently devour the prey? So if your prey takes some of the work out of it for you, no big deal. Right?

"Can we get some Diet Cokes with this?"

As a bear, or whatever, I would immediately go up to the "dead" prey and poke it with a stick or something. Maybe pinch it. I want to be sure that it's really dead before I start to eat it, because eating something that isn't dead might be kind of tough. Don't believe me? Try some extreme sushi some time.

Hint: it involves goldfish, but not sunglasses...

Now apply that to other situations. Situations where you know that the person is not faking whatever it is that you're accusing them of faking. Good examples include: people confined to wheel-chairs, an obviously pregnant woman undergoing labor pains, or in the worst case scenario: somebody who is clearly dying...

Yeah, that got kind of depressing there.

Perhaps we shouldn't make jokes like that all the time.

Top 5 Reasons Not to Be In Australia

The continent/commonwealth of Australia is consistently ranked as a great place for people to live, or at least visit. Tourism brochures advertise the great weather, the friendly locals, the stunning geography and unique wild life. Movies like Australia, The Rescuers Down Under, Crocodile Dundee and Finding Nemo certainly paint the place as interesting, if not awesome.

"Kangaroos AND beaches! Awesome!"

Here's the thing. That's all a lie. You should never, under any circumstances, visit Australia. If you live there, you should probably move.

I could just as easily refute the earlier points by giving examples of terrible movies set in Australia (ABBA: The Movie, Mission Impossible 2, or shudder... Kangaroo Jack), or movies that show Australia for the terrible, terrible place it really is (post-apocalyptica: Mad Max, vampires: Daybreakers, statutory rape: Age of Consent)

But instead, I will simply list the top five reasons not to be in Australia. I'm not limiting it to just warning against visiting Australia, or even living in Australia. These are reasons simply to not be in Australia, regardless of why. You can be a local, you can be a tourist, you can even be an alien with a downed spaceship problem. Whatever the case, you should try and get out of Australia.

At any cost...

Here's why.

5. High Costs

Australia's currency is the Australian Dollar. As of right now, it is valued at .952 of a U.S. Dollar, so it's not like going to Columbia where a greenback exchanges at 1,816.04 Pesos.

Fun Fact: Colombians usually pay bills in powder form.

Here's what you don't know about Australia and conversion rates. Most things in Australia are pretty expensive compared to awesome nations like America. One of the budget areas where you'll notice this jump is the kind of important commodity of food. Here's a quote from a website called Immigration2Australia, whose purpose is to make you want to immigrate to Australia. "Australian’s love to eat out, a typical restaurant meal will be around $60 per head."

Seriously? What kind of restaurants are we eating at there? Another quote further down on the page paints this glowing picture: "Australia does seem to get more expensive the longer you live here". Concentrate on the fact that this website's job is to make you want to move to Australia, so is this really the best they can do?

Makes me wonder how bad it really is over there. Oh, and good news! Australia's cost of living has been steadily rising for the past several decades as they've been dragged kicking and screaming into modernity.

"Lunch is on me; I just sold a kidney."

"Okay, so I'll just have to budget more for food" you say. "It's probably not that big a deal, and I can still enjoy the naturally resplendent geography of the land down under for free, right?" Part of the back-story of Reason #5 is Reason #4.

4. Harsh natural climes

The tiny continent of Australia manages to pack a lot of bad geography into one fun-sized package. It's like that girl who's short, stout, pimply and also has alopecia, but because she has a pretty smile people still say nice things about her.

"But what about the Great Barrier Reef, and the plains full of kangaroo?" you ask. "Those are great."

Too bad that the vast majority of Steve Irwin's homeland is fucking desert. Seriously. That's part of why food is so expensive. They can't grow anything there.

40% of Australia is sand dunes.

A full half of the place gets less than 300 mm (11.8 in) of rain a year, with another third getting less than 600 mm per year. The eastern half of the U.S. gets above 1,000 mm annually. And the western half of America has Oregon to make up for the poor rain-shadowed desert region. But never fear, Australia has monsoons! Those are fun, right? Up to six months of rainy weather?

Guys?

Not exactly paradise. Oh, and this "paradise" that you're stuck in has people who were stuck there a long time before you showed up. That's right, I'm talking about those people who (according to Zoolander) believe that having your picture taken steals part of your soul.

3. Aboriginals

Just like the Native-Americans that were marginalized (see "genocide") in the United States, Australia has its own original culture and society. They're usually called Aboriginals, and they are from a variety of different sub-cultures. They can be found all over Australia, including the terrible desert regions that are left for them to inhabit.

"Thanks for nothing Hugh Jackman!"

Aboriginals are not to be painted as savages. But they are certainly not on the same level of health and wellness as the rest of Australia. According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Aboriginals are usually 2-3 times more likely to report having health problems. They are 10-70 times more likely to fall prey to communicable diseases like tuberculosis or gonorrhea. They're chronically unemployed.

Native Americans at least get romanticized in American culture. The Last of the Mohicans, Dances With Wolves, Windtalkers and other movies give us that. Sure, in the past they were portrayed as savages or straight up morons. Even "heroic" Native Americans were often poorly constructed stereotypes.

Good job kemo sabe.

But America, and the rest of the world is actually a bit infatuated with Native Americans, even if they don't show it in the best possible way. They enthrall other nations who yearn for a simpler life style, a simpler time. A noble people at one with the land they inhabited. How much of that is true and how much of that is just white guilt, we may never know. But the point is that a lot of people feel sorry/admiration for Native Americans. Not so much Aboriginal awareness out there...

Plus Native Americans have casinos these days. What do Aboriginals have? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing. I'm just waiting for them to rise up and massacre some Aussies, serve them up nice and toasty on the "barbie", or however those weirdos spell barbecue.

How are these called "biscuits"?

2. Populated by Criminals

Okay, so you've managed to get past the tragedy/creepiness of Australia's aboriginals. Good job. Now, let's move on to the majority of the population, because those poor stone-age peoples only make up about 2.7% of the population. I'm sure that some of you reading this are aware that many of the first settlers to Australia were straight up criminals. If not, well...now you know.

My room mate and I joke about Australia being started by criminals, so they could only go upwards from there. If the UN were to hand out medals or trophies to various countries, Australia would get "Most Improved".

It means you really sucked, but now suck less.

Now, not all of these felonious founding fathers were violent criminals, a lot were debtors. So you basically have an entire nation started by the ancestors of Ron Artest and Kenneth Lay. That's scary.

And the propensity for drinking that most Australians have (Fosters being akin to water there) combined with their natural inclination towards criminal activity makes it a dangerous place. Fun fact, the only thing besides health care that Aussies brag about being cheap is their alcohol. Not a good combination. At all.

1. Deadly animals

And far and away the number one reason why you shouldn't be in Australia is the plethora of deadly fauna that populates the continent. The only animals that don't want to kill you are the rabbits that have run rampant across that terrible, terrible place. This article probably could have been just "Don't ever go to Australia because every living thing there wants you to suffer".

Take a look at this brief video extolling the virtues of Aussie wild-life. It's catchy too.
Learning about Australian wildlife

Here's a quick list of some of the fun loving animals ready to greet you in Australia.

Sharks - Great White Sharks, the largest predatory fish in the world. All ready to make you the star of your very own Jaws movie. Don't forget Tiger Sharks, one of the most aggressive shark species in the world. And Bull Sharks. Did you know that they can swim several hundred miles up-river? Yeah...

Box Jelly Fish - One of the deadliest jellyfish in the world. They're everywhere in Australia. Just floating around that scenic Great Barrier Reef, waiting for you to stumble upon them. Even the so-small-they're-almost-invisible baby ones can make you regret being in Australia.

Snakes - Australia has over 100 species of venomous snakes, and 12 of them are lethal. Tiger snakes (deadly meets deadly, great!), death adders (Spoiler Alert: they're deadly), Coastal Taipan (don't let the name fool you, they're deadly) and of course: sea snakes. That's right. You can't even escape the snakes when you're in the middle of the fucking ocean!

What I imagine Australia is like.

Crocodiles - Crocodile Dundee wasn't joking around about the crocodiles. While not exactly Lake Placid sized, salt water crocodiles can easily grow to be twenty feet long. But here's the thing, they aren't limited to salt water. Any billabong (look it up) can be home to a salty just waiting to bring you to a watery demise with a death roll.

Spiders - Funnel-Web Spiders, Bird-Eating Tarantulas and Red-Backs. These things live everywhere. In your apartment. In the wilderness. Under that rock. Seriously, watch your back. They are everywhere, and some can even swim.

Dingos - Yes, they will eat your babies. Only in Australia and Africa (my pick for overall deadliest continent) can you find packs of indigenous wild dogs that will hunt you down.

Octupusses (Octopi?) - The Blue Ring Octopus is widely recognized as one of the most venomous animals in the world, these too-many-limbed freaks are also really smart. And can alter its coloring. The Blanket Octopus rips tentacles off jellyfish and uses their poisonous stingers as whips. These things are like real life versions of Predator.

And no, Arnold cannot save you.

Bull Ants - Seriously? You have to be afraid of the ants in Australia? Oh yeah. Just a preview, they also go by the name "Inch Ants" or "Jumper Ants". I'll just let that sink in.

Poisonous Cane Toads - Thought that South America had a monopoly on poisonous amphibians? Wrong. These toads can grow up to 15 inches, and will kill your pets if they get eaten. Also, creepily enough, they will hump nearly anything.

Stonefish - These are fish that camouflage themselves as rocks, just waiting for an innocent swimmer to wander by. Then their toxic spines kick in. And by "kick in", I mean that they can straight up kill you. What a dick move!

Pictured: Super dick!

But don't forget all the cute or interesting animals. They won't shy away from injuring you in the least bit.

Kangaroos - Those overgrown rats will viciously kick, punch and maul you if you get too close to them, or make too many jokes about their pouches. And they can pack quite a punch.

Tasmanian Devils - They're not exactly like the animated version you see from Looney Tunes. They're tougher. They eat anything, like carnivorous goats. Seriously, anything. And as a result, their saliva contains toxic levels of bacteria and other gross shit.

Platypusses (Platypi? Whatever...) - Yeah, they're venomous. The male of the species' spines (yeah, they have hidden spines on their ankles) are toxic, and they can mess you up. First you think, "Aww...they're so cute and oddly put together. I love them!" Then you're clutching a festering wound, cursing at the heavens.

"Curse your egg laying selves, monotremes!"

So for these five reasons, and probably several more that I don't have the space for, are why you shouldn't be in Australia. Don't live there. Don't visit there. Don't even fly/boat near there on the off chance that your transportation breaks down and you're stuck there.

Car Problems, Part Three

When I last stopped complaining about my car it had broken down twice in a matter of weeks, been repaired by the world's most incompetent mechanic and subsequently had its soul drained by my room mate's car. Well, as almost anyone who's ever owned a car, especially an old one, could have predicted it wasn't over then.

Oh yeah. The face palms are back!

About a week after all that went down, I decided to drive to Raleigh so I could help two different people move all their stuff. A friend from my undergrad years was moving from her town house to an apartment on Saturday; and as a small Asian girl with a small car, there was no way she could move a queen size mattress, a sofa, etc. all by herself. And my room mate's dad was moving to Raleigh and had a moving truck full of stuff that needed hauling.

Yeah, it sounds like a great weekend right?

Well, as part of this whole deal I had to borrow another friend's truck. And when I say truck, I really mean tank. Because whatever kind of truck he has should come with a slot for a turret gunner. I'm not just joking about how unwieldly and difficult to park it was. When I got there on Friday, he had actually been involved in an accident.

What was the damage you ask? His front bumper was dented and an NCSU vanity plate had to be replaced. "So it was just a fender bender right?" you say, sure that the other car was similarly lightly bruised. Oh no. He punted that car twenty yards, bent two of its tires under the car and broke its front axle.

Forget "right of way", he had "might of way".

So on Saturday he drove my car to work and I attempted to not destroy anything as I helped my friend move. That went more or less according to plan. He had to call me because the car wouldn't start (it has terrible battery leads) and I had to pull forward, cut it, and back up like a million times to fit into non-tractor trailer sized parking spaces.

Well, Sunday afternoon as I'm preparing to leave Raleigh I say all my goodbyes and thank him again for letting me use his truck and what not. That's when I discover that I can't get the car out of the "park" gear. It started fine, but just wouldn't come out of gear.

Fan-Fucking-Tastic.

I pop the hood to see if perhaps the oil had finally run out and maybe my engine was ruined. The oil dipstick's handle breaks off in my hand. The dipstick is still in the tank. I can't check the oil.

Great. Just what I needed. (sarcasm)

Okay. Okay. Calm down, go back inside and start asking for suggestions and turning to the magic of the interwebs to solve my problem. Google, do your thing. Text another friend who knows his way around a car's insides. Shouldn't be that big of a deal. Fingers crossed.

The friend must have been blazed, because he somehow thought that my car was stuck in "a park". Like a fucking state park with one of those gates and a sign that says "Gate closes at dark" or some shit. After like three or four more texts to clear that up, he says "Press the brake pedal when you're trying to change gears."

No shit, Sherlock. I know how to change gears.

Well, after a while, he finally says "Just pull really hard on the gear shift. That might work." And unable to find any help online, I am just desperate enough to try it. Right as I'm sure that the gear shift stick is about to snap in half, the car goes into drive! Huzzah! All is right in the world again! I am free!

Talk about premature celebrations.

Now, I put the car back in a parking space and turn it off so I can say goodbye to my friends, this time for real. But wait... The key won't come out of the ignition! What the fuck?

I struggle with that for another half an hour, texting, researching, hitting things with hammers...you know, things you do to fix things. But to no avail. That key is wedged in there tighter than that dorky kid in middle school's tighty whiteys after meeting the school bully.

Why doesn't this happen more often outside of television/movies?

"Fuck it!" I declare, and drive back to Greenville anyway. "I'll deal with this retarded car at a later date. I just have to get back before work tomorrow morning, and then I'll take it to a mechanic or something."

I only have one key for that car, and it was trapped in the ignition, so I had to leave one door unlocked in order to get back into the car. I disconnect the battery so it doesn't completely die on me before I can drive it to a mechanic. I'm mostly just glad to get back to the apartment without having a break down in the middle of nowhere on the high way.

Whew! Nearly looked like a fool there.

Once I finally get it to a mechanic, I tell them that I want my oil, transmission fluid, brake fluid, and whatever other types of fluids there are to be changed out. I would also like my oil dipstick fixed and my key out of the ignition. They estimate it will be like five hundred dollars or so. I swallow back some profanity and say, "Alright. I'll leave it here over night and pick it up tomorrow."

About half an hour later, they call me to say that they need to replace the starter switch in order to fix the key problem. That part and labor would cost about $1,300. If that doesn't give you a bit of sticker shock, consider that I paid $1,800 for the whole fucking car. I didn't really have an idea what they could possibly have to replace that is worth more than all four tires, the engine, the windows, doors, seats, radio and anything else that you want to list.

THIS!!! THIS IS WHAT IT IS!!!

How in the Nine Hells is that part and the labor needed worth nearly seventy five percent of an entire car? Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway) I told them to finish changing my oil or whatever and I would pick up the car right away.

After waiting an additional forty five minutes longer than they told me it would be to finish whatever they were doing, I had to get them to jump my car in order to get out of their parking lot because they had left the battery plugged in with the key in the ignition for a few hours.

"I'm surrounded by idiots!"

I was already late for class, but had all my school stuff back at my apartment. So I trudge through rush hour traffic and finally get there. But then, literally as I pull into a parking space the car dies! And won't crank. My room mate helps me push it the last six feet into the parking space. As far as I'm concerned a viable option would be just lighting it on fire and cleansing myself of this hunk of junk vehicle.

And I will dance around the flames.

Movie Mashups

If you've hung out with my room mate and me anytime in the past week or so, you've probably heard a bit about a game we've been playing. And by playing, I mean obsessing over, and spending a lot of time doing research, typing things up and brainstorming. The game is "Movie Mash Up", and it is exactly what it sounds like.

I was watching "Cougar Town" (Don't judge me. That show is pretty funny and Courtney Cox is still hot.) while at work one day, and realized that this game was totally awesome.

Thanks, Courtney.

The rules are pretty simple: you take two movies that share a word, then combine them. You then create a plot tag line and describe it to your friend, who tries to guess the two movies that went into it and what the combined title would be.

For example: "A fat orange cat who loves lasagna hears voices in his head and decides to build a baseball field." You think about the first part, and arrive at "Garfield". Then you think about the second part and get "Field of Dreams". The combined title is "Garfield of Dreams". See how the movie titles run together?

"If you build it, they will come."

Well, since my room mate and I both watch a lot of movies, love mental games of all sorts (especially word play or inside jokes) and enjoy telling funny stories to friends, we realized this game would be awesome. And the madness began.

At first we were pretty bad at the whole "last word of one movie is the same as the first word of the other movie" bit, and we stretched the rules a bit. Also, I have to admit that I stumbled frequently when trying to come up with a tagline for movies like "Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead".

"I want to hold your brains?"

So here are some of the best ones we've come up with. Some make sense, some sound like actual movies that might be produced if you whisper the plot to the right studio executive. Some are bat-shit crazy, and would a lot of fun to watch, but make no sense.

My room mate came up with the first one that really made us laugh, so I'm going to start the list off with it. Here goes.

#1) "Richard Gere has a huge dick, and a beach house in North Carolina. He starts banging this old lady who wears roller skates, and they film it. They exchange letters back and forth afterward, but he dies in the end. But he shows his junk."

Guess it yet?

"Boogie Nights In Rodanthe"!

Nick Sparks and Marky Mark's bastard love child.

#2) An all male jury must decide the fate of a young teen accused of murdering his father...while at the same time protecting Earth from aliens.

"12 Angry Men in Black"

Henry Fonda makes this suit look good.

#3) John Cusack owns a record store, and is really upset about his girlfriend breaking up with him. Then his really smart friend dies, so John rolls his ashes in with a joint and smokes it. Then he receives an admittance letter from Harvard.

"How High Fidelity"
It's definitely on the top five list of college movies.

#4) Hillary Swank is a struggling female boxer who needs some extra money...so she rents out her uterus to Tina Fey, who does not approve of things that her surrogate does, like boxing while pregnant. Hilarity ensues.

"Million Dollar Baby Mama"

"Blergh! I want you to jab, right in the tits!"

#5) Wesley Snipes may or may not be an android who hunts vampires in a dystopian future.

"Blade Runner"

"There are worse things out tonight than androids."

#6) Nicholas Cage provides the voice of a golden retriever wrongly imprisoned for killing a man, but soon finds himself trapped in a prisoner transport plane when the convicts take control. How will he ever make it to his basketball game in time?

"Con Air Bud"

"Nobody move, or Buddy gets it!"

The list goes on. Here are a few of the mashed up titles, think about some of the tag lines yourself, or just contact me and I can send you the five or six pages worth of movie mashups we've managed to brainstorm and type up.

- Freaky Friday After Next
- Tomb Raiders of the Lost Ark
- There Will Be Blood Diamond
- I Am Legends of the Fall
- Into the Wild Wild West
- Dirty Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (not a porno, I swear)
- The Empire Strikes Back to the Future
- Big Momma's House of Wax
- Blackhawk Down With Love
- She's the Man on Fire
- The Little Mermaid in Manhattan
- The Princess Bride Wars
- Deep Blue Seabiscuit
- Air Force One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
- Free Willy 'Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

And, we've also come up with some movies that we like to call "Triple Word Scores". These Triple Word Scores are three movies that link up together. They're tough to think of, so we've only got two. But they're pretty freaking good. Unfortunately I don't have the photo shopping skills to make even moderately convincing posters for these movies.

The closest I'll get to a TWS image

#7) "Billy Bob Thornton plays a gravely voiced day-walker who may or may not be a retarded android that hunts down vampires in desolate future where animal life is rare."

"Sling Blade Runner"

#8) "Johnny Depp has to care for his younger brother and obese mother...in the dustbowl of Great Depression era California...while fighting against a genetically engineered superhuman."

"What's Eating Gilbert Grapes of Wrath of Khan"

Think you've got a great movie mashup? Let me know, and maybe we'll add it to our list. If you can, think of a creative tagline to go with it, because that's half of the joke.

*Update*

I came up with a four part movie mashup recently, and I have to say that I'm more than a little proud of it. No idea how to come up with a tagline though. But here's the title and corresponding images. If you've got a plot, let me know.

#9) Total Recall of the Wild, Wild West Side Story

I really have no idea how to write a plot for this...

Life With One Channel, Part Three

My room mate and I have been complaining about only having one television channel for quite some time. If you've read either of the two previous posts about living with only one channel of television, you know that the local NBC affiliate: WITN is quite possibly the worst television channel known to man (and quite possibly women, but the jury is out on the NFL Network).

Soap operas for men.

Recently though, we've noticed a disturbing trend in the morning programing that has somehow escaped our notice until just now. No, it is not the trend that morning television is terrible. Everybody already knows that. What we've noticed is that everyone, and I mean everyone, involved in morning shows on NBC is a fucking alcoholic.

The only coffee they drink is from Dublin.

Seriously though. Every day on the Today Show and whatever show Kathy Lee and Hoda Kotb are on, the hosts get their drink on. By hook or by crook. Here are some choice pieces of alcohol related shenanigans that we've seen in the past month or two.

The most common way that NBC television hosts get their drink on involves the cooking portion of the Today Show. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Surely the cook doesn't provide alcoholic beverages with every meal that they cook." Well they don't.

Well, maybe this guy. How many glasses of wine do you need?

They cook nearly every single meal with some sort of alcohol based marinade, sauce, or just as a main flavor ingredient. One day it's Bananas Foster with dark rum, the next day it's Porter Steak Bits Stew cooked with a couple of beers as the the broth portion. Then it's Chicken Marsala with actual wine. Do you see a pattern here?

But it's not just that the guest chefs love to cook with booze, I'm pretty sure that the hosts encourage it. And they make a big deal about the fact that the recipes use wine or beer, joking (not really) about drinking while cooking. Honestly, I think that they pick the recipes, and if you want to cook on the Today Show you better bring your breathalyzer.

"Welcome back to NBC Studios. You know the drill."

Here are some lines that we've overheard from the various talking heads regarding their all but admitted alcoholism. How NBC hasn't fired Matt Lauer for bonging a beer while interviewing Obama is beyond me. (Disclaimer: Matt Lauer has not to our knowledge ever actually consumed a beer in that fashion while interviewing the president.)

When cooking that Chicken Marsala, Ann Curry asked the chef if he was using real Marsala wine, to which he replied "Of course". She proceeded to grab the entire bottle from him and I quote, say "Well, it's 12:00 somewhere." Ha, ha. Al Roker chuckles in the corner.

Must have been a really rough day. Already.

12:00 somewhere? What the hell is wrong with you lady? You don't even have the decency to say that it's 5:00 somewhere? (Small aside: unless it is actually on the hour, it is not 5:00 somewhere, it is 5:23 somewhere, etc. Thanks time zones.)

Unless you live in Arizona or Indiana, heathens.

Then, when Kathy Lee and Hoda show up for the start of their program, they usually have some sort of beverage sitting on the table that they sip on during their airtime. Every once in a while it's even something that you would consider drinking early in the morning. Like coffee, or orange juice. But most of the time it's a glass of red wine or a bottle of Guinness.

Really? I don't care if you have been up since 3:00 in the morning for hair and make-up, it's still 7:00 in the real world. You might as well brush your teeth with some whiskey or something, get that morning started right.

And who doesn't want this role model?

Well, that morning there was nothing in their coffee mugs/beer steins, and the Today Show had just gotten done cooking some sort of alcohol laden dish and the ladies must have been feeling a little bit left out.

So Kathy turns to Hoda and says, "Nothing to drink this morning, but hope springs eternal." Now, I'm all in favor of poetic expression, and am not a teetotaler, but these people really should at least keep their demons in the closet to be exposed at a later date, preferably on the national stage, much to their embarrassment.

Oh yeah, we went there.

But seriously, NBC really should sit down with Kathy, Hoda, Al and the other people and have a serious discussion about the appropriate decorum for the workplace. A nationally televised workplace at that.

The only kind of intervention that could stop them.

*Update*

Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News apparently recently called out Kathy Lee and Hoda while on air around mid-day. His quote was something along these lines: "If you've watched the morning programing, you know by this point that Kathy Lee and Hoda are usually hammered by now." To which the girls responded that they "haven't even had anything to drink today, yet."

He's not buying it.

And apparently some of the awesome products that they endorse on the show are also centered around getting your drink on. My room mate and I must have missed the first airing of the TV remote equipped with a beer opener.

Combines two of my favorite things: copious buttons and unlabeled beverages.

Guess what? It doesn't stop there. What happens if perhaps you're somewhere where you don't have access to your booze-remote and still need to open a tasty beverage? Bring along the Beer-Bot T-shirt. Now all you need to do is always wear this shirt instead of simply having a bottle opener on your key chain.

Beer-Bot obviously a Bender rip-off. Oh well.