Life With One Channel, Part Three

My room mate and I have been complaining about only having one television channel for quite some time. If you've read either of the two previous posts about living with only one channel of television, you know that the local NBC affiliate: WITN is quite possibly the worst television channel known to man (and quite possibly women, but the jury is out on the NFL Network).

Soap operas for men.

Recently though, we've noticed a disturbing trend in the morning programing that has somehow escaped our notice until just now. No, it is not the trend that morning television is terrible. Everybody already knows that. What we've noticed is that everyone, and I mean everyone, involved in morning shows on NBC is a fucking alcoholic.

The only coffee they drink is from Dublin.

Seriously though. Every day on the Today Show and whatever show Kathy Lee and Hoda Kotb are on, the hosts get their drink on. By hook or by crook. Here are some choice pieces of alcohol related shenanigans that we've seen in the past month or two.

The most common way that NBC television hosts get their drink on involves the cooking portion of the Today Show. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Surely the cook doesn't provide alcoholic beverages with every meal that they cook." Well they don't.

Well, maybe this guy. How many glasses of wine do you need?

They cook nearly every single meal with some sort of alcohol based marinade, sauce, or just as a main flavor ingredient. One day it's Bananas Foster with dark rum, the next day it's Porter Steak Bits Stew cooked with a couple of beers as the the broth portion. Then it's Chicken Marsala with actual wine. Do you see a pattern here?

But it's not just that the guest chefs love to cook with booze, I'm pretty sure that the hosts encourage it. And they make a big deal about the fact that the recipes use wine or beer, joking (not really) about drinking while cooking. Honestly, I think that they pick the recipes, and if you want to cook on the Today Show you better bring your breathalyzer.

"Welcome back to NBC Studios. You know the drill."

Here are some lines that we've overheard from the various talking heads regarding their all but admitted alcoholism. How NBC hasn't fired Matt Lauer for bonging a beer while interviewing Obama is beyond me. (Disclaimer: Matt Lauer has not to our knowledge ever actually consumed a beer in that fashion while interviewing the president.)

When cooking that Chicken Marsala, Ann Curry asked the chef if he was using real Marsala wine, to which he replied "Of course". She proceeded to grab the entire bottle from him and I quote, say "Well, it's 12:00 somewhere." Ha, ha. Al Roker chuckles in the corner.

Must have been a really rough day. Already.

12:00 somewhere? What the hell is wrong with you lady? You don't even have the decency to say that it's 5:00 somewhere? (Small aside: unless it is actually on the hour, it is not 5:00 somewhere, it is 5:23 somewhere, etc. Thanks time zones.)

Unless you live in Arizona or Indiana, heathens.

Then, when Kathy Lee and Hoda show up for the start of their program, they usually have some sort of beverage sitting on the table that they sip on during their airtime. Every once in a while it's even something that you would consider drinking early in the morning. Like coffee, or orange juice. But most of the time it's a glass of red wine or a bottle of Guinness.

Really? I don't care if you have been up since 3:00 in the morning for hair and make-up, it's still 7:00 in the real world. You might as well brush your teeth with some whiskey or something, get that morning started right.

And who doesn't want this role model?

Well, that morning there was nothing in their coffee mugs/beer steins, and the Today Show had just gotten done cooking some sort of alcohol laden dish and the ladies must have been feeling a little bit left out.

So Kathy turns to Hoda and says, "Nothing to drink this morning, but hope springs eternal." Now, I'm all in favor of poetic expression, and am not a teetotaler, but these people really should at least keep their demons in the closet to be exposed at a later date, preferably on the national stage, much to their embarrassment.

Oh yeah, we went there.

But seriously, NBC really should sit down with Kathy, Hoda, Al and the other people and have a serious discussion about the appropriate decorum for the workplace. A nationally televised workplace at that.

The only kind of intervention that could stop them.

*Update*

Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News apparently recently called out Kathy Lee and Hoda while on air around mid-day. His quote was something along these lines: "If you've watched the morning programing, you know by this point that Kathy Lee and Hoda are usually hammered by now." To which the girls responded that they "haven't even had anything to drink today, yet."

He's not buying it.

And apparently some of the awesome products that they endorse on the show are also centered around getting your drink on. My room mate and I must have missed the first airing of the TV remote equipped with a beer opener.

Combines two of my favorite things: copious buttons and unlabeled beverages.

Guess what? It doesn't stop there. What happens if perhaps you're somewhere where you don't have access to your booze-remote and still need to open a tasty beverage? Bring along the Beer-Bot T-shirt. Now all you need to do is always wear this shirt instead of simply having a bottle opener on your key chain.

Beer-Bot obviously a Bender rip-off. Oh well.

Life With One Channel, Part Two

In an earlier post, I mentioned how through a combination of factors (we're both poor college kids who can't afford cable and digital TV's line of sight transmission) my room mate and I only get one channel: NBC. Although NBC has it's redeeming qualities, it regularly ranks dead last in the ranking systems among major channels. That by itself isn't completely terrible, but we get in on channel 7, WITN out of Greenville. This is a problem.

"WITN? Ed Harris sent me. You know why."

When you only have one channel, and that one channel is terrible, what do you do? Frankly, my room mate and I play a lot of video games and movies when the television is on. But sometimes it's the middle of the day, and you don't feel like doing any of the reading that comes with being grad students, you just want to watch some TV. Normally not that big a problem, unless you only get one channel. And that one channel is the worst fucking channel ever.

After starting your day with the interminable blather of the Today Show and whatever other drivel WITN decides to show bright and early, you reach the crux of NBC daytime television. The marathon of mediocrity and morons is led off by what is arguably the strongest segment: Rachel Ray, for like two straight hours. Luckily, my room mate is big into learning cooking stuff, and I like food, so it works out alright.

Also, she's a lot more attractive than Martha Stewart.

We'll skip past the unavoidably bad soap operas that come on around noon, because now we get to the really soul crushing part of the day's broadcast: court T.V.

The average 'contestant' on court T.V.

If you are not familiar with the concept of court television, take equal parts Jerry Springer and COPS, add a dash of pseudo justice and mix liberally with a dash of embarrassing facts unrelated to the case before the judge. Although the judges in each of the three solid hours of court television are probably actually real judges, I have more respect for random people or objects with the word 'Judge' in their name. Examples: Pontiac GTO's, Mike Judge, etc.

This guy has my complete respect.

Each of these shows has a greater collection of degenerates and losers suing and counter suing for ridiculous reasons and prices than should be humanly possible. Like seriously, what producer was like, "Let's get this guy who's suing his crack addict ex-fiance for not paying back a verbal agreement loan; while she sues for emotional damages because he called her a crack head, and once got a DUI."

Somebody who knows the quote to this scene.

There are three straight hours of people in black dresses pretending to care about the cases before them for judicial reasons instead of merely profiting from society's need to feel better than some other poor schmuck. We have yet to see a case where this new-fangled thing called "evidence" took precedence to the personal issues.

I'm just glad in a way that these frivilous and overtly pointless quarrels are not clogging up the already bogged down judiciary system that my tax money goes to. Wait, what? You mean these judges are merely legal arbitrators whose rulings are able to be (and often are) appealed in real small claims courts? Fuck.

My personal favorite form of conflict resolution.

Life With One Channel

My room mate and I are cursed with terrible television options. Since we don't pay for cable, and our reception is almost non-existent, the only channel we get is NBC. The only freaking channel. One time I came into the living room as he was watching television, and asked him what he was watching. "What the fuck do you think I'm watching? Our one fucking channel, that's what the fuck I'm watching!"

Since the start of the semester, we have come to despise nearly everything that is on NBC, with the exception of Thursday nights. Thursday nights have Community, Parks and Rec, The Office and 30 Rock. All really funny shows. But other than that, most of the things we watch are absolutely terrible. Every now and then another show will give us a small ray of hope, like Heroes, Chuck or the Marriage Ref, but for the most part life with one channel is like being stranded on a desert island with an eighty year old woman. Every once in a while you'll look at her, only because there's nothing else to see.

"Hey old lady. Show me your boobs again...........Gross!"

That being said, we felt the need to share some of the moments of our television watching experiences that were so terrible they looped around and back into awesome. In a town with no news, the local news is understandably anemic. Greenville local news is so terrible that the newscasters reek of the same desperation normally found in Los Angeles strip clubs. They frantically try to hold on that one day they will no longer be forced to degrade themselves over and over again, in the hopes that their inner star will be discovered, catapulting them to the top.

I'll begin with the pathetic attempt at capturing worthwhile news articles and public interest pieces. You know that scene in Anchorman, where Will Ferrell's character comments on a clip shown on his news station by saying, "Ha, ha. That squirrel can water-ski."? Greenville's local NBC news, WITN, actually showed that clip! And not even ironically! They showed that shit right after a piece on the rising number of people who get their news over the internet! And they wonder why it happens?

Seriously WITN?

Another time, they had a story about an old man and his grandson. They had a habit of journeying around Greenville, looking at trains parked in various places, searching for cabooses. "Okay" you think, "That's cool. It's local." What I didn't mention yet was that this story was their top news segment! They spent six minutes out of half an hour on this ridiculous waste of airspace. What lead paint eating director green lighted that?

Moving on past the dearth of actual journalism that plagues our only station, it's time to transition into the titanic failure that is their late night programing. Where to begin? The fiasco of the their revolving door lineup for latenight? Having to wait longer for Jay Leno's comic stylings? Not getting to watch Conan at all? Suffering through Jimmy Fallon's embarrassing attempt to be funny? Let's begin with Jimmy Fallon, since he's the easiest target. And by easiest target, I mean it's like picking on Jimmy Fallon, because that's how easy it is. We don't need any other thoughts in this simile.

Or "Fever Pitch", take your pick.

We'll start off with what had promised to be the best part about Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The Roots. Sadly, although Quest Love and his band mates soldier on as best they can, watching what this show does to them is akin to watching your best friend being beat up in a corner, while some asshole in a good suit looks at the camera and giggles. You know what I'm talking about. It's embarrassing. Jimmy Fallon took a successful and critically acclaimed band, and reduced them to making "Ba-dump, bump, tshh!" sounds after his unfunny musings and attempting to cover some song that sort of relates to the special guest on stage at the moment.

If you can stagger through the desolate wasteland that is Jimmy Fallon's attempts at charming or funny conversation, you are rewarded with Carson Daly. Carson Daly's show is not anything like most late night shows. Mostly because he spends a lot of time speaking with an obviously blazed out of his mind Snoop Dog, who complains about how he doesn't get enough critical acclaim for his acting ability. Carson looks at Snoop with an expression of "I can't believe you're actually saying this shit" upon his face.

Can we put this shit on television?

Memorable quotes include this gem of Snoop wisdom, "I mean, if it wasn't for the people who started hip hop, we wouldn't have hip hop today." and "Whenever I create a character, I really like to become that character." My room mate looks over at me and says, "I bet he had to do some real soul searching to prepare for his role in Old School. He should have won an Oscar."

Imagine the situation on set. The firemen bust into Snoop's trailer with fire extinguishers at the ready after seeing smoke billowing out from under the door, only to realize that Snoop was just getting into character.

How high? Stoner of the Year high.

And as much as I love America, and enjoyed cheering on athletes like Shaun White to victory during the Winter Olympics, there was nothing else on NBC for weeks. For weeks! From the very first failure at lighting the torch, we knew that the Winter Olympics on NBC would not be the pinnacle of organization and media excellence.

Picture this: for two weeks straight. (pun)

We had to put up with hours upon hours of ice dancing, curling, and the terribly boring biathlon. How could a sport that comes straight out of a James Bond movie be so disappointing? Seriously. And the people who commented on the events were ridiculous. One commenter remarked that one pair in partner figure skating was dissapointed with their performance. He said that it "would rankle in their hearts for years to come." They won gold. I'm sure that the memory of their colossal failure on the ice would indeed fester for the rest of their lives.

I know that I'm the best, but my mother still doesn't love me.