Car Problems, Part Four

As most of you know, I'm not exactly known for my healthy relationship with cars.

We've all been there, right?

But usually my problems stem from when I want the car to move (while I'm in it) but it resists my attempts to make it conform to the standards and purposes it was manufactured for. I've been putting up with this car's crap for a really long time. And thanks to my non-pyramid-scheme job, I was making enough money to think about getting a new one. But, naturally, my hand was forced by the inherent shitty nature of my car. It broke itself going through a puddle in the half mile from a restaurant to my apartment.

Seriously only a hundred feet from my apartment

And while trying to get it to the repair shop the next day, it stalled out and completely broke down at a red light. Which was super convenient and fun for not just me, but all the cars in line behind me. Thankfully, Dr. Woofers is a planner, so I had a friend driving behind me. They pulled over, got into my car and steered while I pushed the hunk of junk off to the side of the road and trying not to curse too loudly, lest some small child be scarred for life.

In lieu of my usual modus operandi of yelling "Fuck it!" and lighting it on fire, I calmly dialed the number to several tow truck companies, who all politely informed me how much time and money they were going to steal from me. I chose the least reprehensible of the several companies and soon my beloved car was being hauled off to rest in the bone-yard of old cars that was the parking lot of my apartment.

Seriously, it was like the Graveyard of the Gulf

Needless to say, I started looking for new cars pretty quickly. I didn't really have much in the way of specifics for my search. I wanted to spend a certain amount of money and get the best quality car I could for said money. I would prefer to get a fairly nice, kind of new car. Much like my often ridiculed taste in women (long hair & blue jeans), my taste in cars is fairly wide open. I'm easy to please in general, but picky in the details. Things like the way the steering wheel feels, the turning radius, acceleration, or the intuitiveness of the dash console.

After doing some semi-serious research on the interwebs, and strolling around some local car dealerships while salesmen tried to convince me that they were going to get me a good deal, I found my new car. I got a red, 2013 Hyundai Accent GLS. I got it for a pretty good price. Since I got it used, there were several thousands of dollars knocked off the price, but it was still under all the factory warranties.

There are only three downsides to the car thus far. First, it lacks cruise control. What is all that about? My 1999 hunk of junk had cruise control. Secondly, it doesn't have a sun roof. That was a feature that I've had in all three of the cars I'd driven previously. Obviously, I could always get one installed if I so desired, but I find the prospect of a DIY sun roof to be rather silly. Lastly, it is red. According to commonly passed around "wisdom" that makes my insurance higher. And subconsciously, I think it causes me to drive faster, so perhaps there's some truth to that.

When my passengers good smelling messes in their seats, I know I'm going too fast

So, after I got my new car, I basically just told my old car that it could go check it's own oil. If you know what I mean. I wound up moving apartments shortly after, and just kept my old car at my old apartment because I didn't need parking passes at the old apartment (and the parking lot was full of derelict cars anyway) and didn't have the money to tow and subsequently fix my old car.

I basically checked up on the car once or twice a month to make sure that it was still there, and relatively unharmed. And as Easter approached, I was planning on driving my old car back up to NC and then carpooling back down to LA with some friends who were coming to visit me. I had saved up enough money to get the car fixed, and was planning on getting it fixed the week before so it would have less time to screw me over and break again.

Because I'm sure it would have done it.

But then my car was gone.

I called the old land lord, he said he hadn't towed it. I called all the tow companies, they hadn't towed it. I called all the impound lots, including the police, they didn't have it. The whole process was fairly frustrating. For one, I didn't know when it had been taken within about a two week time window. Second, apparently telling someone that it was a gold, 1999 Ford Escort (sport edition) with a sunroof and North Carolina plates wasn't enough for them look in their databases and say if they did or did not have it.

Almost as frustrating as when that homeless mechanic couldn't find it parked, alone, in the only parking lot of the town's only library. Almost. At least in that instance one of us knew where the freaking car was. Here, at least there was a certain level of justifiable confusion as to the car's whereabouts.

But it seems that the car was stolen. By either a tow truck company, or a mechanic. Because that piece of shit car was not going anywhere under its own power when I left it in that parking lot. Unless...

Cue nerd joke/word play...

So when I called the police out to take my statement about the car, they of course said it would take an indeterminate amount of time for an officer to swing by and get my statement. Which of course could only be taken in person at the scene of the crime. Because there were soooo many clues to be had. But I did go there, and sat in my car for like an hour waiting for the cop to show.

Watched some kid try and get the attention of anyone in his apartment building to let him in. Threw stones, yelled, tried to jimmy the door with a stick. Got confronted by a sketchy dude who kept asking me what I was doing. And then some other dude who was going to call the cops on me because I seemed like a drug dealer. Coincidentally that's right when the cop showed up to be confused about the fact that I had a new car, but my old car had been stolen, and I would like the police department's assistance in locating it, or at least verifying my insurance claim on the missing vehicle.

Couldn't slip much past these modern day Sherlocks

So as of right now, my old car is missing, presumed dead, while Baton Rouge's finest are understandably nonchalant about trying to locate it. I've just accepted this as a fact of life. Sometimes things go wrong from time to time. And sometimes you're able to get rid of your piece of shit car without the need for a viking funeral.

You win some, you lose some.

Top 5 Reasons Not to Be In Australia

The continent/commonwealth of Australia is consistently ranked as a great place for people to live, or at least visit. Tourism brochures advertise the great weather, the friendly locals, the stunning geography and unique wild life. Movies like Australia, The Rescuers Down Under, Crocodile Dundee and Finding Nemo certainly paint the place as interesting, if not awesome.

"Kangaroos AND beaches! Awesome!"

Here's the thing. That's all a lie. You should never, under any circumstances, visit Australia. If you live there, you should probably move.

I could just as easily refute the earlier points by giving examples of terrible movies set in Australia (ABBA: The Movie, Mission Impossible 2, or shudder... Kangaroo Jack), or movies that show Australia for the terrible, terrible place it really is (post-apocalyptica: Mad Max, vampires: Daybreakers, statutory rape: Age of Consent)

But instead, I will simply list the top five reasons not to be in Australia. I'm not limiting it to just warning against visiting Australia, or even living in Australia. These are reasons simply to not be in Australia, regardless of why. You can be a local, you can be a tourist, you can even be an alien with a downed spaceship problem. Whatever the case, you should try and get out of Australia.

At any cost...

Here's why.

5. High Costs

Australia's currency is the Australian Dollar. As of right now, it is valued at .952 of a U.S. Dollar, so it's not like going to Columbia where a greenback exchanges at 1,816.04 Pesos.

Fun Fact: Colombians usually pay bills in powder form.

Here's what you don't know about Australia and conversion rates. Most things in Australia are pretty expensive compared to awesome nations like America. One of the budget areas where you'll notice this jump is the kind of important commodity of food. Here's a quote from a website called Immigration2Australia, whose purpose is to make you want to immigrate to Australia. "Australian’s love to eat out, a typical restaurant meal will be around $60 per head."

Seriously? What kind of restaurants are we eating at there? Another quote further down on the page paints this glowing picture: "Australia does seem to get more expensive the longer you live here". Concentrate on the fact that this website's job is to make you want to move to Australia, so is this really the best they can do?

Makes me wonder how bad it really is over there. Oh, and good news! Australia's cost of living has been steadily rising for the past several decades as they've been dragged kicking and screaming into modernity.

"Lunch is on me; I just sold a kidney."

"Okay, so I'll just have to budget more for food" you say. "It's probably not that big a deal, and I can still enjoy the naturally resplendent geography of the land down under for free, right?" Part of the back-story of Reason #5 is Reason #4.

4. Harsh natural climes

The tiny continent of Australia manages to pack a lot of bad geography into one fun-sized package. It's like that girl who's short, stout, pimply and also has alopecia, but because she has a pretty smile people still say nice things about her.

"But what about the Great Barrier Reef, and the plains full of kangaroo?" you ask. "Those are great."

Too bad that the vast majority of Steve Irwin's homeland is fucking desert. Seriously. That's part of why food is so expensive. They can't grow anything there.

40% of Australia is sand dunes.

A full half of the place gets less than 300 mm (11.8 in) of rain a year, with another third getting less than 600 mm per year. The eastern half of the U.S. gets above 1,000 mm annually. And the western half of America has Oregon to make up for the poor rain-shadowed desert region. But never fear, Australia has monsoons! Those are fun, right? Up to six months of rainy weather?

Guys?

Not exactly paradise. Oh, and this "paradise" that you're stuck in has people who were stuck there a long time before you showed up. That's right, I'm talking about those people who (according to Zoolander) believe that having your picture taken steals part of your soul.

3. Aboriginals

Just like the Native-Americans that were marginalized (see "genocide") in the United States, Australia has its own original culture and society. They're usually called Aboriginals, and they are from a variety of different sub-cultures. They can be found all over Australia, including the terrible desert regions that are left for them to inhabit.

"Thanks for nothing Hugh Jackman!"

Aboriginals are not to be painted as savages. But they are certainly not on the same level of health and wellness as the rest of Australia. According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Aboriginals are usually 2-3 times more likely to report having health problems. They are 10-70 times more likely to fall prey to communicable diseases like tuberculosis or gonorrhea. They're chronically unemployed.

Native Americans at least get romanticized in American culture. The Last of the Mohicans, Dances With Wolves, Windtalkers and other movies give us that. Sure, in the past they were portrayed as savages or straight up morons. Even "heroic" Native Americans were often poorly constructed stereotypes.

Good job kemo sabe.

But America, and the rest of the world is actually a bit infatuated with Native Americans, even if they don't show it in the best possible way. They enthrall other nations who yearn for a simpler life style, a simpler time. A noble people at one with the land they inhabited. How much of that is true and how much of that is just white guilt, we may never know. But the point is that a lot of people feel sorry/admiration for Native Americans. Not so much Aboriginal awareness out there...

Plus Native Americans have casinos these days. What do Aboriginals have? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing. I'm just waiting for them to rise up and massacre some Aussies, serve them up nice and toasty on the "barbie", or however those weirdos spell barbecue.

How are these called "biscuits"?

2. Populated by Criminals

Okay, so you've managed to get past the tragedy/creepiness of Australia's aboriginals. Good job. Now, let's move on to the majority of the population, because those poor stone-age peoples only make up about 2.7% of the population. I'm sure that some of you reading this are aware that many of the first settlers to Australia were straight up criminals. If not, well...now you know.

My room mate and I joke about Australia being started by criminals, so they could only go upwards from there. If the UN were to hand out medals or trophies to various countries, Australia would get "Most Improved".

It means you really sucked, but now suck less.

Now, not all of these felonious founding fathers were violent criminals, a lot were debtors. So you basically have an entire nation started by the ancestors of Ron Artest and Kenneth Lay. That's scary.

And the propensity for drinking that most Australians have (Fosters being akin to water there) combined with their natural inclination towards criminal activity makes it a dangerous place. Fun fact, the only thing besides health care that Aussies brag about being cheap is their alcohol. Not a good combination. At all.

1. Deadly animals

And far and away the number one reason why you shouldn't be in Australia is the plethora of deadly fauna that populates the continent. The only animals that don't want to kill you are the rabbits that have run rampant across that terrible, terrible place. This article probably could have been just "Don't ever go to Australia because every living thing there wants you to suffer".

Take a look at this brief video extolling the virtues of Aussie wild-life. It's catchy too.
Learning about Australian wildlife

Here's a quick list of some of the fun loving animals ready to greet you in Australia.

Sharks - Great White Sharks, the largest predatory fish in the world. All ready to make you the star of your very own Jaws movie. Don't forget Tiger Sharks, one of the most aggressive shark species in the world. And Bull Sharks. Did you know that they can swim several hundred miles up-river? Yeah...

Box Jelly Fish - One of the deadliest jellyfish in the world. They're everywhere in Australia. Just floating around that scenic Great Barrier Reef, waiting for you to stumble upon them. Even the so-small-they're-almost-invisible baby ones can make you regret being in Australia.

Snakes - Australia has over 100 species of venomous snakes, and 12 of them are lethal. Tiger snakes (deadly meets deadly, great!), death adders (Spoiler Alert: they're deadly), Coastal Taipan (don't let the name fool you, they're deadly) and of course: sea snakes. That's right. You can't even escape the snakes when you're in the middle of the fucking ocean!

What I imagine Australia is like.

Crocodiles - Crocodile Dundee wasn't joking around about the crocodiles. While not exactly Lake Placid sized, salt water crocodiles can easily grow to be twenty feet long. But here's the thing, they aren't limited to salt water. Any billabong (look it up) can be home to a salty just waiting to bring you to a watery demise with a death roll.

Spiders - Funnel-Web Spiders, Bird-Eating Tarantulas and Red-Backs. These things live everywhere. In your apartment. In the wilderness. Under that rock. Seriously, watch your back. They are everywhere, and some can even swim.

Dingos - Yes, they will eat your babies. Only in Australia and Africa (my pick for overall deadliest continent) can you find packs of indigenous wild dogs that will hunt you down.

Octupusses (Octopi?) - The Blue Ring Octopus is widely recognized as one of the most venomous animals in the world, these too-many-limbed freaks are also really smart. And can alter its coloring. The Blanket Octopus rips tentacles off jellyfish and uses their poisonous stingers as whips. These things are like real life versions of Predator.

And no, Arnold cannot save you.

Bull Ants - Seriously? You have to be afraid of the ants in Australia? Oh yeah. Just a preview, they also go by the name "Inch Ants" or "Jumper Ants". I'll just let that sink in.

Poisonous Cane Toads - Thought that South America had a monopoly on poisonous amphibians? Wrong. These toads can grow up to 15 inches, and will kill your pets if they get eaten. Also, creepily enough, they will hump nearly anything.

Stonefish - These are fish that camouflage themselves as rocks, just waiting for an innocent swimmer to wander by. Then their toxic spines kick in. And by "kick in", I mean that they can straight up kill you. What a dick move!

Pictured: Super dick!

But don't forget all the cute or interesting animals. They won't shy away from injuring you in the least bit.

Kangaroos - Those overgrown rats will viciously kick, punch and maul you if you get too close to them, or make too many jokes about their pouches. And they can pack quite a punch.

Tasmanian Devils - They're not exactly like the animated version you see from Looney Tunes. They're tougher. They eat anything, like carnivorous goats. Seriously, anything. And as a result, their saliva contains toxic levels of bacteria and other gross shit.

Platypusses (Platypi? Whatever...) - Yeah, they're venomous. The male of the species' spines (yeah, they have hidden spines on their ankles) are toxic, and they can mess you up. First you think, "Aww...they're so cute and oddly put together. I love them!" Then you're clutching a festering wound, cursing at the heavens.

"Curse your egg laying selves, monotremes!"

So for these five reasons, and probably several more that I don't have the space for, are why you shouldn't be in Australia. Don't live there. Don't visit there. Don't even fly/boat near there on the off chance that your transportation breaks down and you're stuck there.