The Ballad of Crazy Crazy

One of the constants in my room mate's life seems to be that girls he's interested in turn out to be a little bit crazy.

Surgeon General's Warning: Results may vary.

Although I haven't known him for too long, and don't exactly ask him for stories about girls that he has been involved with over the years, several examples of crazy ex-girlfriends come to mind. However, today we are only going to discuss the one whom we call "Crazy Crazy". (cue ominous music)

So, he met this girl at a cousin's wedding over the summer, and thought that she seemed really nice. She had made her own sun dress, was an attractive young lady his own age, and seemed like an overall classy girl. I later pointed out to him that anyone can seem classy if you meet them at a wedding.

Okay... "almost" anybody.

So he begins texting her, talking to her on the phone, all the things that people today do when they like somebody. They seem to hit it off. In fact, they would talk/text for hours almost every night. And I mean hours. Like, start at 11:00 and finish at 3:00 in the morning, talking about nothing in particular. That is either really sweet, or really crazy. I'll let you decide, because honestly we've all been there before.

Eventually he goes to visit her one weekend, at wherever it is that she lives. Somewhere in Georgia or South Carolina, I'm not really sure, and it's not really important to the story. They have a great weekend, watch one of the "Saw" movies (typical date fare), it turns out she's creative in the kitchen, and you know that my room mate loves fancy cooking stuff.

Funnily enough, he doesn't like most sociopaths.

So, after this she decided to come visit him. Now, I don't have a problem with my room mates having girls stay over, especially since now I live in a place with separate bedrooms. I could hang out with them in the living room while they watched "Se7en", and then just give them space the rest of the time.

However, there was a fundamental difference between her and us that was quickly made apparent. She didn't do shit as a grad student! Literally, she could take a whole week off just to do whatever. So while both of us have real work to do (me reading 700 pages of history books a week, him memorizing cancer terminology or whatever it is that medical students do), she would just sit around, bored.

Artist simulation. Baby used for comedic effect.

He would go to the library to study for a couple hours, and she would just sit there. Staring at him. Like a puppy dog who really wanted you to play with it. Because she didn't have anything to do, she couldn't seem to spend any time away from him. You just couldn't leave her alone. As I told a friend of mine, it was like babysitting a small child.

There's no telling what kind of trouble she'd get in.

My room mate and I used to go to an undergrad environmental biology class with a friend of ours (for various reasons, including but not limited to messing up the grade curve and meeting girls) We invited Crazy Crazy, but she didn't want to go. Afterward, we hung out for a bit and decided to get some dinner. Again, my room mate checks to see if she wants to come, but she says no, she's fine.

She is not fine. This is when Crazy Crazy starts to have a meltdown. She calls, upset to the point of tears. It is so bad that my room mate has to leave to run damage control.

This is the last baby picture, I swear.

Crisis averted, he decides to make that night a quiet affair by staying in and watching a movie. She wants to watch "American Psycho". You may have noticed a trend over the course of this post. This girl only likes movies that involve fucking dismemberment and murder. This is a warning sign, for reals. It's alright to like these movies, but when you don't like comedies, action movies, comedies or even chick flicks there is something wrong.

Picture this, but replace the cats with chainsaws.

Sunday rolls around, and it's time for her to leave at last. My room mate is a little bit relieved at this point. She seems a bit mopey, and doesn't really want to go. She toys with the idea of skipping her classes and staying longer. Tactfully, my room mate tries to persuade her that this is not a prudent course of action. She leaves. Whew!

Oh wait. I forgot that she is crazy! As my room mate and I begin discussing how the visit went, she calls from the road. Hysterical. She's now crying her eyes out, talking on her cell phone, while driving. She's also not the best driver to begin with. My room mate tries to calm her down. She decides that she's just going to come back.

You know the quote, so I won't insult your intelligence.

Realizing that we don't want to be around her, we decide to go to the gym to play basketball. As we drove back home, we began joking about how she's more than a little bit crazy. "Ha ha! We should check to make sure all the knives are accounted for when we get back." We're so funny.

But seriously, when we get back and my room mate is walking towards his room to talk to her, I go to the kitchen to check the knives. We have a pretty awesome magnetic knife rack, so it makes counting knives pretty easy.

We're missing one. Fuck! Quickly, I motion frantically to my room mate to abort.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

It's too late for him to pull away, he's trapped. He can't just do a double take, can he? Well, you'll be happy to know that the missing knife was merely in the dishwasher. Whew, close one!

And after that night, she finally does leave. But do not be disheartened dear reader, for Crazy Crazy is not a girl who quits easily. If we have time, the saga will continue.

Tales From the RA Office, Part Two

When we last left off, I was detailing some of the stories from back in my days as an undergrad. I became an RA in my junior year, where I worked with my future room mate. So, first day that the residents got to the dorm, shit started going down. Normally, you would think that residents would wait for a little bit after getting to where you're going to live to start breaking the rules. Not these residents.

Not our residents, but you get the point.

This first story will be "The Tale of Drunky McPunching Stuff", which begins the very first day of the semester. Since this was just the start of the semester, all of us RA's had just done our floor meetings, speaking to the residents about general rules and procedures. Among those procedures are things like the residence hall being a dry dorm, aka, no drinking. Since most of our residents were freshmen and sophomores, so most are younger than twenty one, and thus unable to drink legally.

This didn't stop old Drunky McPunching Stuff. Apparently this girl was ready for the Daytona 500 of drunkness. According to testimony from other residents after the fact, she started her engine, metaphorically speaking, at about 3:00 that afternoon. She pregamed for the floor meeting that took place at 5:00 that day. Seriously?

These girls had a meeting with the dean to prepare for.

A bit of background information on this girl. I still to this day do not know her actual name, mainly because "Drunky McPunching Stuff" just rolls off the tongue better. She was an eighteen year old freshman girl. She probably weighed in at 100 lbs, soaking wet, and towered at an impressive five foot nothing. Not the sort of person that needs to be drinking vodka for dinner. Perhaps she was all out of the margaritas she pounded down for lunch?

Anyway, the RA with the privilege of being the first one to be on duty was my room mate, what a lucky guy. Since it was the first night, another guy RA decided to do rounds with him, both because they were friends and because he was bored.

Not that bored. Nobody is that bored.

The first round happened at 8:00, and marked the time that the RA on duty was supposed to be in the RA office. They saw Drunky McPunching Stuff downstairs on the boy's half of the floor, carrying on. Whatever. It's the start of the year, she's trying to meet some new people, we've all been there.

Fast forward to the 11:00 round. This round marks both the end of the time the RA on duty was required to be in the RA office as well as the start of quiet time. 11:00 seems late enough to tell people to start toning it down a bit if you ask me. Well, Drunky McPunching Stuff didn't ask me. She's still going strong, but getting more carried away in her gestures, speech and just overall acting a bit sloppy.

She was a huge "Mean Girls" fan I guess.

My room mate tells her that it is 11:00, and quiet hours are starting, so she should probably take it down a few degrees. Also, the hours for co-ed visitation will be ending at the next time they do a round at 2:00 am. She's like, "Whatever. I do what I want." The two RA's simply shrug and leave, hoping that she won't be there when they come back. No such luck.

It's now 2:00 in the morning, and time for the final round. Somehow, Drunky McPunching Stuff realizes this and decides that now is the time to cause a scene instead of just going up to her room and then coming back after the RA's leave. Like a normal person. She is far from the fields of logical thought process at the moment.

"No, I have not been drinking, officer. Scout's honor."

This is where the shit really hits the fan. As the two RA's attempt to persuade her that she needs to just pack it in and call it a night, she starts to flip out. Like Jerry Springer style flipped out. She starts belligerently insulting them, asking why they "have to be so gay" and calling them a vast quantity of insulting names.

Finally, after venting her rage while both guys struggled to remain professional, still telling her that it was past visitation hours and that she needed to go to her room, she does. If you would think that the story would end here, you'd be wrong. It's only a brief intermission.

Grab some popcorn, a drink and come right back.

Thinking that they were done for the night, my room mate and the other RA continue their rounds, working their way up from the first floor. Drunky lived on the third floor, and she wasn't ready to give up without a fight. She's out in the hallway, telling anyone who would listen how mean the RA's were, and how they were total dicks.

Both guys show up, and commence to trying to get her to just go to her room. Again. She was already in a bit of trouble, but Drunky didn't do things halfway. Her friends manage to get her in her room for a bit and plead with both the RA's not to write her up, promising to look after her, making sure that she's alright, etc. This is when she decides to hulk out.

"Hulk no want to take nap! Hulk want to party!"

Much like the Hulk, she came back with less clothes, a crazy look in her eyes, and maybe a bit of makeup smeared on her face. It's on. She starts by trashing her room, turning over dressers and barricading the door. She changes her mind and moves the desk and then proceeds to run to the bathroom in a fit of rage. There, she proceeds to punch things, hence the sobriquet "Drunky McPunching Stuff".

However, unlike the Hulk, she was not possessed of super strength, and more importantly she was all too vulnerable to harm. After smashing the mirror in the bathroom with her fist, she storms back into the hallway, eyes blazing, hand dripping blood. At this point, my room mate and the other RA are starting to jostle for position in response to the threat. By that, I mean they were each trying to hide behind the other.

The fetal position probably wasn't far behind.

The other girls try to convince the RA's that she was just having a really bad day, and that it would be alright. "She just found out that her aunt has cancer and was going to die in a month. She didn't have a chance to visit with her." they said. Exasperated, my room mate replied, "She's got a month." He caught a little bit of hell from our supervisor for that remark later.

They decide to call for some back up. Campus police and the RD on duty are contacted, while the two RA's still try to contain Drunky McPunching Stuff to that area of the dorm. My room mate goes downstairs to meet the RD and the cops.

So of course, Drunky does what nearly everybody in an episode of COPS does. She runs. Yelling down the stairwell, the other RA cries out "She's making a break for it!"

Going for the gold, baby!

Two floors down, my room mate breaks into a full sprint. Sees the cops and the RD and was like "This way!" They catch sight of Drunky. The police chase her. One cuts her off. She reverses direction, maybe even throws in a spin move for effect. One police officer finally takes her down, probably not as easily as he thought he would though.

Artist's simulation.

After securing the crazy drunk chick, campus police then begins to question her, the RA's and some of the other girls. An hour and a half later, they managed to get her to the hospital. Probably because she had about a 0.2 or higher BAC. When you've downed a fifth of vodka and you only weigh in at the featherweight class, you've probably got a serious chance of having alcohol poisoning.

She gets to the hospital at about 4:30 in the morning. They take care of her, and promptly discharge her at about 7:30 in the morning. She refuses transport back to campus, deciding to walk back instead. Rex Hospital is nearly six miles away from campus. This girl walks back with her bandaged hand, in pajamas and slippers.

Legend says that on the first night of every semester, you can hear her drunken rants on the third floor of the dorm.

"Ruh Roh!"