Cat Noises

For anyone who might know my room mate, you probably also know that he is that not so rare combination of a good looking guy and a shameless flirt. However, I'm using the word "flirt" in a rather vague sense of the term. Normal flirting involves things like smiling, making eye contact, physical touch and humor.

Pictured: typical flirting.

My room mate incorporates those things into his game, but his favorite method is the ridiculously over the top flirt. So flirty it's almost not sexy.

Pictured: my room mate flirting.

Cat noised included. Hence the title of this post.

In all seriousness though, his patent pending signature seal of approval is a combination of a growl and a claw hands motion thing. I really can't describe it, but it is quite possibly the most ridiculous expression of interest ever to grace a member of the opposite sex. I'm not going to include any pictures because a google search consisting of any combination of "meow", "growl", "sexy", "claws" or "flirt" came back with retina scarring things that nobody who isn't either Japanese or a complete weirdo would enjoy. Let's just leave it at that.

Horrible, horrible things that can't be unseen.

Seriously. Don't google those terms together unless you're willing to gouge your eyeballs out with the nearest sharpened implement that you can get a hold of.

Now, as a small disclaimer, allow me to once again mention that he can flirt like a normal human being, sometimes he just chooses not to. He's attractive, intelligent, funny, has life experience, and is kind of jerk. All things that ladies go for. In fact, there are only three things that he feels his game really lacks. All of which are summed up by Taylor Lautner.

Really tan skin, tattoos and lots of muscles.

But I don't think he's going to become part Native American any time soon, or even get a tattoo, so the muscles is really all he's going to work on. But those will help him out when he hits on girls whose boyfriends have muscles too. That sentence can be interpreted either as it will make him more attractive or that it will help him avoid an ass kicking. Take it how you want.

Two factors contribute to his ridiculous flirting: his ability to shrug off shame and his natural chemistry with nearly any girl that meets him.

Come on. I quite clearly said "nearly any".

Any time that you're with him and there are girls either nearby or even being discussed, the odds that he will make some sort of unsubtle flirtation range from certainty to inevitability. And no, I don't really know which term means it happens more often. It's just that if the sun rose that morning, he will embarrass you by occasionally not even bothering to do a double take. He might just pause and watch somebody walk by. Then act like nothing happened.

It's almost to the point where I think it could very well be reflexive, like a frog catching a fly.

Or the T-Rex from Jurassic Park.

I can't count the number of times that we've been walking or driving somewhere and his attention is diverted by a girl. He usually makes a comment along the lines of "I want to go to there." And unfortunately for him, fortunately for your amusement, I like to ride with the window down a lot, like a dog. So that means a lot of these girls overhear his comments.

As do their fathers.

If you take him to the mall, or Sam's Club, or wherever you go to find attractive women, be prepared to be embarrassed. He won't be. And you'll laugh nervously as the rest of the store watches him do the cat hands at some hot middle aged woman, then continue shopping for his biscotti like it's no big deal.

*Disclaimer*
The entire store does not actually witness the cat hands, but it feels like they should. Perhaps that's just my natural paranoia/self absorbtion thinking that the entire world is constantly watching me and the people I'm with.

And yes, I wear snappy blazers.

However, much like your average guy, he is naturally intimidated by attractive girls that are complete strangers. So he normally doesn't go up to the girl in the mini skirt and tell her that she can call him Fred Flintstone.

He used to drive a clunker. What did you think I was going to say?

When this happens he points out to whoever is with him that the object of his attraction is indeed a pretty girl, and then he quiets down for a bit as he constructs a first impression and fantasy future based around said girl. Sometimes he'll share fantasy mode with you, but usually only if it's a humorous, over the top vareity.

Frequently involving him dunking.

Recently we were in the student center eating lunch with some friends, and at a table about six feet away there was a very attractive girl sitting across from some guy. The entire table agrees that the girl is disparately more attractive than the guy she was with. Naturally my room mate is intrigued by the girl, and goes into fantasy mode. Since there were three other people at the table, he narrated his over the top ridiculous introduction strategy.

He would just walk up to the table, face-palm the boy into the window and say "What up girl? You can call me T-Woww. That's right, with three W's." The boy starts to say something, so my room mate would turn to him and say, "Don't make me defenestrate you right here and right now." Turns back to the girl and says "Back to you."

Smelly pirate hooker comments optional.

There's no way that strategy could fail... Okay, there's a lot of ways that it could fail, but that's neither here nor there.

Obviously he didn't do that, but it was funny. So we sat there well within ear shot of the two complete strangers alternately debating how old the girl was, if the guy was attractive, if they were dating or not, and making up back story for these two random people. I'm pretty sure that they heard all of what we said, because there were several times the girl looked right at us with a mixture of disbelief and bemusement.

Luckily for those of you who are confused by what the word bemused means, that's exactly what it means.

Congrats!

Don't get the idea that I don't notice or approve of the vast numbers of attractive young women that come along with living in a college town. I notice. I approve. Since I'm not as bold as my room mate I just make use of my peripheral vision and an excellent memory slash imagination.

I feel that if a girl is attractive, and dressed to show that off, she should not be offended when people check her out. But I don't make a show of it. The subtle once over, side glance or general direction gaze ending with eye contact are my weapons of choice.

Also, sunglasses.

The Ballad of Crazy Crazy

One of the constants in my room mate's life seems to be that girls he's interested in turn out to be a little bit crazy.

Surgeon General's Warning: Results may vary.

Although I haven't known him for too long, and don't exactly ask him for stories about girls that he has been involved with over the years, several examples of crazy ex-girlfriends come to mind. However, today we are only going to discuss the one whom we call "Crazy Crazy". (cue ominous music)

So, he met this girl at a cousin's wedding over the summer, and thought that she seemed really nice. She had made her own sun dress, was an attractive young lady his own age, and seemed like an overall classy girl. I later pointed out to him that anyone can seem classy if you meet them at a wedding.

Okay... "almost" anybody.

So he begins texting her, talking to her on the phone, all the things that people today do when they like somebody. They seem to hit it off. In fact, they would talk/text for hours almost every night. And I mean hours. Like, start at 11:00 and finish at 3:00 in the morning, talking about nothing in particular. That is either really sweet, or really crazy. I'll let you decide, because honestly we've all been there before.

Eventually he goes to visit her one weekend, at wherever it is that she lives. Somewhere in Georgia or South Carolina, I'm not really sure, and it's not really important to the story. They have a great weekend, watch one of the "Saw" movies (typical date fare), it turns out she's creative in the kitchen, and you know that my room mate loves fancy cooking stuff.

Funnily enough, he doesn't like most sociopaths.

So, after this she decided to come visit him. Now, I don't have a problem with my room mates having girls stay over, especially since now I live in a place with separate bedrooms. I could hang out with them in the living room while they watched "Se7en", and then just give them space the rest of the time.

However, there was a fundamental difference between her and us that was quickly made apparent. She didn't do shit as a grad student! Literally, she could take a whole week off just to do whatever. So while both of us have real work to do (me reading 700 pages of history books a week, him memorizing cancer terminology or whatever it is that medical students do), she would just sit around, bored.

Artist simulation. Baby used for comedic effect.

He would go to the library to study for a couple hours, and she would just sit there. Staring at him. Like a puppy dog who really wanted you to play with it. Because she didn't have anything to do, she couldn't seem to spend any time away from him. You just couldn't leave her alone. As I told a friend of mine, it was like babysitting a small child.

There's no telling what kind of trouble she'd get in.

My room mate and I used to go to an undergrad environmental biology class with a friend of ours (for various reasons, including but not limited to messing up the grade curve and meeting girls) We invited Crazy Crazy, but she didn't want to go. Afterward, we hung out for a bit and decided to get some dinner. Again, my room mate checks to see if she wants to come, but she says no, she's fine.

She is not fine. This is when Crazy Crazy starts to have a meltdown. She calls, upset to the point of tears. It is so bad that my room mate has to leave to run damage control.

This is the last baby picture, I swear.

Crisis averted, he decides to make that night a quiet affair by staying in and watching a movie. She wants to watch "American Psycho". You may have noticed a trend over the course of this post. This girl only likes movies that involve fucking dismemberment and murder. This is a warning sign, for reals. It's alright to like these movies, but when you don't like comedies, action movies, comedies or even chick flicks there is something wrong.

Picture this, but replace the cats with chainsaws.

Sunday rolls around, and it's time for her to leave at last. My room mate is a little bit relieved at this point. She seems a bit mopey, and doesn't really want to go. She toys with the idea of skipping her classes and staying longer. Tactfully, my room mate tries to persuade her that this is not a prudent course of action. She leaves. Whew!

Oh wait. I forgot that she is crazy! As my room mate and I begin discussing how the visit went, she calls from the road. Hysterical. She's now crying her eyes out, talking on her cell phone, while driving. She's also not the best driver to begin with. My room mate tries to calm her down. She decides that she's just going to come back.

You know the quote, so I won't insult your intelligence.

Realizing that we don't want to be around her, we decide to go to the gym to play basketball. As we drove back home, we began joking about how she's more than a little bit crazy. "Ha ha! We should check to make sure all the knives are accounted for when we get back." We're so funny.

But seriously, when we get back and my room mate is walking towards his room to talk to her, I go to the kitchen to check the knives. We have a pretty awesome magnetic knife rack, so it makes counting knives pretty easy.

We're missing one. Fuck! Quickly, I motion frantically to my room mate to abort.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

It's too late for him to pull away, he's trapped. He can't just do a double take, can he? Well, you'll be happy to know that the missing knife was merely in the dishwasher. Whew, close one!

And after that night, she finally does leave. But do not be disheartened dear reader, for Crazy Crazy is not a girl who quits easily. If we have time, the saga will continue.