Most bicycles (commonly shortened to "bikes") look like this:
Some have room for two passengers. It is a well known fact that bikes are popular with people who fall into three general demographics, with some exceptions as well as overlap.
1.) Little kids. Kids fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they're just kids! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets for toys and the ever popular playing cards in the spokes! Vroom! Vroom!
1.) Little kids. Kids fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they're just kids! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets for toys and the ever popular playing cards in the spokes! Vroom! Vroom!
Little Susie's parents obviously love her bunches! 2. Poor people. Poor people fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they can't afford them! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets to collect bottles in and the ever popular "life's belongings sack"! Sadness...
The dirt bike seat makes him feel fast! 3. Foreigners. Foreigners fucking love bikes! For one, they can't drive cars, because well, they're terrible drivers! Also, bikes can be accessorized with bad ass things like baskets for physics textbooks and the ever popular rickshaw set up! Bicycle taxis!
I like to think he's hauling Styrofoam blocks for a Great Wall scale model. "But wait!" you say. "What about countless health nuts, college students, or hipsters? How could you forget about the hipsters? They're so omnipresent and sickening in their smug self satisfaction while riding their fixed gear bikes in their skinny jeans and ironic mustaches!"
Oh, I didn't forget about those aggravating, annoying, ass hats. No such luck for them. However, I don't have time to go into hipster hate mode. For a bit more on that subject, check out the post dealing with "Irrational Hates". Suffice it to say, that if I went down that road, this post would likely have no end.
My room mate has three bikes. They're all some sort of fancy-pants single gear, fixed gear, racing, road bike, high tensile aluminum something or another. They're each worth a couple hundred dollars easy, a thousand or so if you were to steal them and then pawn them off to somebody who really knows their bikes.
(Editor's note: if you do steal and then pawn said bicycles for exorbitant amounts of cash, remember that just because this blog is non-profit doesn't mean we don't accept donations!)
Oh, I didn't forget about those aggravating, annoying, ass hats. No such luck for them. However, I don't have time to go into hipster hate mode. For a bit more on that subject, check out the post dealing with "Irrational Hates". Suffice it to say, that if I went down that road, this post would likely have no end.
My room mate has three bikes. They're all some sort of fancy-pants single gear, fixed gear, racing, road bike, high tensile aluminum something or another. They're each worth a couple hundred dollars easy, a thousand or so if you were to steal them and then pawn them off to somebody who really knows their bikes.
(Editor's note: if you do steal and then pawn said bicycles for exorbitant amounts of cash, remember that just because this blog is non-profit doesn't mean we don't accept donations!)
We also accept money orders and food. I, on the other hand, have one bike.
It is a Huffy "Meltdown", and is a vivid coloration of black and red, with standard tires, shocks, brakes, five speeds, etc. However, it is probably not worth a couple thousand pennies when it comes down to it. I joke and tell people that I've had it since I was in the 5th grade, but now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I've had it since like 3rd grade.
Now, you might think to yourself "Self, that's an awfully nice keepsake of youth to hang onto, to cherish those memories of halcyon days gone by. Perhaps I shall do the same..."
It is a Huffy "Meltdown", and is a vivid coloration of black and red, with standard tires, shocks, brakes, five speeds, etc. However, it is probably not worth a couple thousand pennies when it comes down to it. I joke and tell people that I've had it since I was in the 5th grade, but now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I've had it since like 3rd grade.
Now, you might think to yourself "Self, that's an awfully nice keepsake of youth to hang onto, to cherish those memories of halcyon days gone by. Perhaps I shall do the same..."
Ah... memories. Don't.
At least not like I did. If you are going to do so: keep it well oiled, polished, in a temperature controlled environment, and just don't abuse it in general. Also, stop growing when you get to middle school. Or at least have a really big bike when you were young, otherwise you'll look like me when I ride my bike.
When we go ride our bikes around campus, or anywhere really, this is what I look like:
At least not like I did. If you are going to do so: keep it well oiled, polished, in a temperature controlled environment, and just don't abuse it in general. Also, stop growing when you get to middle school. Or at least have a really big bike when you were young, otherwise you'll look like me when I ride my bike.
When we go ride our bikes around campus, or anywhere really, this is what I look like:
Except with more facial hair. Yes, my room mate says I look like a bear riding a tricycle.
Laugh it up.
If you've seen Will Ferrell's "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" you might remember the scene where Ricky Bobby delivers a pizza to his estranged father Reese. Having had his liscense revoked, Ricky Bobby is forced to ride a bike around. That's me. The only details that don't match up are the color of the bike, those sweet jorts and the calf length socks.
Laugh it up.
If you've seen Will Ferrell's "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" you might remember the scene where Ricky Bobby delivers a pizza to his estranged father Reese. Having had his liscense revoked, Ricky Bobby is forced to ride a bike around. That's me. The only details that don't match up are the color of the bike, those sweet jorts and the calf length socks.
"Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!"Size hilarity aside, it's actually a decent bike. Decent in the very loosest possible sense of the word. Decent as in it actually has two wheels, handle bars, a seat and brakes. It gets me where I'm going, and almost as fast as if I was running. Literally.
I have timed myself biking at a decent pace the 2.5 miles from the apartment to where I work and back, and the time is the same as if I was on foot. For a reference point, I normally run about about 7-8 minute miles unless I'm running for my life. And when I run I don't hear the creak of rusted chains and the squeal of brakes on the verge of locking up.
Last semester, my room mate and I went to Raleigh for the First Friday event held every month. We took our bikes, the better with which to wander around down town. Both his fancy-schmancy bike and his friend's nice bike got flat tires, or busted inner-tubes or something along those lines. I was the only one with a fully functional bike, loosely speaking.
And boy did I rub it in.
I have timed myself biking at a decent pace the 2.5 miles from the apartment to where I work and back, and the time is the same as if I was on foot. For a reference point, I normally run about about 7-8 minute miles unless I'm running for my life. And when I run I don't hear the creak of rusted chains and the squeal of brakes on the verge of locking up.
Last semester, my room mate and I went to Raleigh for the First Friday event held every month. We took our bikes, the better with which to wander around down town. Both his fancy-schmancy bike and his friend's nice bike got flat tires, or busted inner-tubes or something along those lines. I was the only one with a fully functional bike, loosely speaking.
And boy did I rub it in.
At least this is as funny as it is non-functional.I did replace an inner-tube a couple months afterward. That was the first money I'd spend on that bike since I bought a lock to keep homeless people from making the mistake of stealing my crappy bike with ease.
Then my room mate got the idea to take one of his bikes to the local bike shop and change it from fixed gear to single gear. Since he had recently gotten his hands on some of those Silly Bandz, he didn't feel the need to try and be cool with a fixed gear bike. I'm not making this up.
Then my room mate got the idea to take one of his bikes to the local bike shop and change it from fixed gear to single gear. Since he had recently gotten his hands on some of those Silly Bandz, he didn't feel the need to try and be cool with a fixed gear bike. I'm not making this up.
Those were his exact words.Figuring I'd go along and see what the bike shop could do for my wobbly back tire, I brought my bike along as well. At first, the bike shop people were flabbergasted as to why somebody would want to change away from a fixed gear bike.
This, I don't understand. At all. Fixed gears basically keep your feet moving at all times. You can't coast. And everyone knows that coasting is like, a gazillion times better than pedaling! You just let inertia, or gravity, or the car that's towing you take care of the forward momentum. It's fucking awesome. Think about if you could just coast around on your feet. People would do that shit constantly!
Between these and my Heelies, I'll never have to walk again! So, after they get done with taking care of his bike, they turn to mine. Almost managing to keep his natural disdain in check, the bike guy says "Well, it looks like your bike isn't in the best of shape."
What I wanted to say: "No shit, Sherlock! I haven't given this bike anything except abuse for the past 15 years. At least Harry Potter got to live in a nice dry cupboard! Perhaps you should go around pointing out the obvious for a living instead of fixing bikes, because you're freaking awesome at it!"
What I actually said: "Oh, yeah. I probably haven't taken the best care of it, and it is a pretty old bike."
What I wanted to say: "No shit, Sherlock! I haven't given this bike anything except abuse for the past 15 years. At least Harry Potter got to live in a nice dry cupboard! Perhaps you should go around pointing out the obvious for a living instead of fixing bikes, because you're freaking awesome at it!"
What I actually said: "Oh, yeah. I probably haven't taken the best care of it, and it is a pretty old bike."
And the "Understatement of the Year" award goes to....After bad mouthing my bike for another few minutes, he determines that one of the spokes on the back tire is broken, causing it to wobble. The good news is that a new spoke only costs about a buck fifty. The bad news is that with labor and what ever else made up expenses they can lump in it will be about twenty five dollars.
Okay. That back wheel was really annoying me. If I spend a bit now, I can limp along for another few years on this bike. They tell me it will take them till tomorrow to have it fixed, so we leave.
A few hours later I get a call from them saying they've put in a bunch of time and labor just trying to get the back tire's rim re-aligned or dents removed or something. Long story short, it's going to take a lot of money to fix this bike.
Money I don't want to spend.I tell them not to fix anything more until I get there tomorrow and see what all needs to be done and how much it will cost. They say alright. Perhaps I should buy a new bike and use this one for spare parts? Although the parts on this bike probably aren't even worth that.
I don't want to pay money for repairs I didn't want. All I wanted was to have that spoke replaced, now they're going to charge me enough to buy a new bike? Fuck that!
Time for a plan!My plan? I'm just going to leave the bike with them. Ignore their calls. Refuse to take the bike back. If I don't take it back, they can't make me pay the fees right? (Okay, I know that's probably legally inaccurate, but a man can dream can't he?) All they have is my name and number. I'll just tell them to keep the hunk of junk and consider our score even.
Paying more than the bike is worth is definitely not on my list of things to do. Apparently though, my list of things to do will soon include avoiding solicitors on bicycles. So now my options are to either get a big boy bike, or walk. And I think we both know what option I'll be taking.
That's right, be jealous.
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