The Ballad of Crazy Crazy

One of the constants in my room mate's life seems to be that girls he's interested in turn out to be a little bit crazy.

Surgeon General's Warning: Results may vary.

Although I haven't known him for too long, and don't exactly ask him for stories about girls that he has been involved with over the years, several examples of crazy ex-girlfriends come to mind. However, today we are only going to discuss the one whom we call "Crazy Crazy". (cue ominous music)

So, he met this girl at a cousin's wedding over the summer, and thought that she seemed really nice. She had made her own sun dress, was an attractive young lady his own age, and seemed like an overall classy girl. I later pointed out to him that anyone can seem classy if you meet them at a wedding.

Okay... "almost" anybody.

So he begins texting her, talking to her on the phone, all the things that people today do when they like somebody. They seem to hit it off. In fact, they would talk/text for hours almost every night. And I mean hours. Like, start at 11:00 and finish at 3:00 in the morning, talking about nothing in particular. That is either really sweet, or really crazy. I'll let you decide, because honestly we've all been there before.

Eventually he goes to visit her one weekend, at wherever it is that she lives. Somewhere in Georgia or South Carolina, I'm not really sure, and it's not really important to the story. They have a great weekend, watch one of the "Saw" movies (typical date fare), it turns out she's creative in the kitchen, and you know that my room mate loves fancy cooking stuff.

Funnily enough, he doesn't like most sociopaths.

So, after this she decided to come visit him. Now, I don't have a problem with my room mates having girls stay over, especially since now I live in a place with separate bedrooms. I could hang out with them in the living room while they watched "Se7en", and then just give them space the rest of the time.

However, there was a fundamental difference between her and us that was quickly made apparent. She didn't do shit as a grad student! Literally, she could take a whole week off just to do whatever. So while both of us have real work to do (me reading 700 pages of history books a week, him memorizing cancer terminology or whatever it is that medical students do), she would just sit around, bored.

Artist simulation. Baby used for comedic effect.

He would go to the library to study for a couple hours, and she would just sit there. Staring at him. Like a puppy dog who really wanted you to play with it. Because she didn't have anything to do, she couldn't seem to spend any time away from him. You just couldn't leave her alone. As I told a friend of mine, it was like babysitting a small child.

There's no telling what kind of trouble she'd get in.

My room mate and I used to go to an undergrad environmental biology class with a friend of ours (for various reasons, including but not limited to messing up the grade curve and meeting girls) We invited Crazy Crazy, but she didn't want to go. Afterward, we hung out for a bit and decided to get some dinner. Again, my room mate checks to see if she wants to come, but she says no, she's fine.

She is not fine. This is when Crazy Crazy starts to have a meltdown. She calls, upset to the point of tears. It is so bad that my room mate has to leave to run damage control.

This is the last baby picture, I swear.

Crisis averted, he decides to make that night a quiet affair by staying in and watching a movie. She wants to watch "American Psycho". You may have noticed a trend over the course of this post. This girl only likes movies that involve fucking dismemberment and murder. This is a warning sign, for reals. It's alright to like these movies, but when you don't like comedies, action movies, comedies or even chick flicks there is something wrong.

Picture this, but replace the cats with chainsaws.

Sunday rolls around, and it's time for her to leave at last. My room mate is a little bit relieved at this point. She seems a bit mopey, and doesn't really want to go. She toys with the idea of skipping her classes and staying longer. Tactfully, my room mate tries to persuade her that this is not a prudent course of action. She leaves. Whew!

Oh wait. I forgot that she is crazy! As my room mate and I begin discussing how the visit went, she calls from the road. Hysterical. She's now crying her eyes out, talking on her cell phone, while driving. She's also not the best driver to begin with. My room mate tries to calm her down. She decides that she's just going to come back.

You know the quote, so I won't insult your intelligence.

Realizing that we don't want to be around her, we decide to go to the gym to play basketball. As we drove back home, we began joking about how she's more than a little bit crazy. "Ha ha! We should check to make sure all the knives are accounted for when we get back." We're so funny.

But seriously, when we get back and my room mate is walking towards his room to talk to her, I go to the kitchen to check the knives. We have a pretty awesome magnetic knife rack, so it makes counting knives pretty easy.

We're missing one. Fuck! Quickly, I motion frantically to my room mate to abort.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

It's too late for him to pull away, he's trapped. He can't just do a double take, can he? Well, you'll be happy to know that the missing knife was merely in the dishwasher. Whew, close one!

And after that night, she finally does leave. But do not be disheartened dear reader, for Crazy Crazy is not a girl who quits easily. If we have time, the saga will continue.