Tales From the RA Office, Part Two

When we last left off, I was detailing some of the stories from back in my days as an undergrad. I became an RA in my junior year, where I worked with my future room mate. So, first day that the residents got to the dorm, shit started going down. Normally, you would think that residents would wait for a little bit after getting to where you're going to live to start breaking the rules. Not these residents.

Not our residents, but you get the point.

This first story will be "The Tale of Drunky McPunching Stuff", which begins the very first day of the semester. Since this was just the start of the semester, all of us RA's had just done our floor meetings, speaking to the residents about general rules and procedures. Among those procedures are things like the residence hall being a dry dorm, aka, no drinking. Since most of our residents were freshmen and sophomores, so most are younger than twenty one, and thus unable to drink legally.

This didn't stop old Drunky McPunching Stuff. Apparently this girl was ready for the Daytona 500 of drunkness. According to testimony from other residents after the fact, she started her engine, metaphorically speaking, at about 3:00 that afternoon. She pregamed for the floor meeting that took place at 5:00 that day. Seriously?

These girls had a meeting with the dean to prepare for.

A bit of background information on this girl. I still to this day do not know her actual name, mainly because "Drunky McPunching Stuff" just rolls off the tongue better. She was an eighteen year old freshman girl. She probably weighed in at 100 lbs, soaking wet, and towered at an impressive five foot nothing. Not the sort of person that needs to be drinking vodka for dinner. Perhaps she was all out of the margaritas she pounded down for lunch?

Anyway, the RA with the privilege of being the first one to be on duty was my room mate, what a lucky guy. Since it was the first night, another guy RA decided to do rounds with him, both because they were friends and because he was bored.

Not that bored. Nobody is that bored.

The first round happened at 8:00, and marked the time that the RA on duty was supposed to be in the RA office. They saw Drunky McPunching Stuff downstairs on the boy's half of the floor, carrying on. Whatever. It's the start of the year, she's trying to meet some new people, we've all been there.

Fast forward to the 11:00 round. This round marks both the end of the time the RA on duty was required to be in the RA office as well as the start of quiet time. 11:00 seems late enough to tell people to start toning it down a bit if you ask me. Well, Drunky McPunching Stuff didn't ask me. She's still going strong, but getting more carried away in her gestures, speech and just overall acting a bit sloppy.

She was a huge "Mean Girls" fan I guess.

My room mate tells her that it is 11:00, and quiet hours are starting, so she should probably take it down a few degrees. Also, the hours for co-ed visitation will be ending at the next time they do a round at 2:00 am. She's like, "Whatever. I do what I want." The two RA's simply shrug and leave, hoping that she won't be there when they come back. No such luck.

It's now 2:00 in the morning, and time for the final round. Somehow, Drunky McPunching Stuff realizes this and decides that now is the time to cause a scene instead of just going up to her room and then coming back after the RA's leave. Like a normal person. She is far from the fields of logical thought process at the moment.

"No, I have not been drinking, officer. Scout's honor."

This is where the shit really hits the fan. As the two RA's attempt to persuade her that she needs to just pack it in and call it a night, she starts to flip out. Like Jerry Springer style flipped out. She starts belligerently insulting them, asking why they "have to be so gay" and calling them a vast quantity of insulting names.

Finally, after venting her rage while both guys struggled to remain professional, still telling her that it was past visitation hours and that she needed to go to her room, she does. If you would think that the story would end here, you'd be wrong. It's only a brief intermission.

Grab some popcorn, a drink and come right back.

Thinking that they were done for the night, my room mate and the other RA continue their rounds, working their way up from the first floor. Drunky lived on the third floor, and she wasn't ready to give up without a fight. She's out in the hallway, telling anyone who would listen how mean the RA's were, and how they were total dicks.

Both guys show up, and commence to trying to get her to just go to her room. Again. She was already in a bit of trouble, but Drunky didn't do things halfway. Her friends manage to get her in her room for a bit and plead with both the RA's not to write her up, promising to look after her, making sure that she's alright, etc. This is when she decides to hulk out.

"Hulk no want to take nap! Hulk want to party!"

Much like the Hulk, she came back with less clothes, a crazy look in her eyes, and maybe a bit of makeup smeared on her face. It's on. She starts by trashing her room, turning over dressers and barricading the door. She changes her mind and moves the desk and then proceeds to run to the bathroom in a fit of rage. There, she proceeds to punch things, hence the sobriquet "Drunky McPunching Stuff".

However, unlike the Hulk, she was not possessed of super strength, and more importantly she was all too vulnerable to harm. After smashing the mirror in the bathroom with her fist, she storms back into the hallway, eyes blazing, hand dripping blood. At this point, my room mate and the other RA are starting to jostle for position in response to the threat. By that, I mean they were each trying to hide behind the other.

The fetal position probably wasn't far behind.

The other girls try to convince the RA's that she was just having a really bad day, and that it would be alright. "She just found out that her aunt has cancer and was going to die in a month. She didn't have a chance to visit with her." they said. Exasperated, my room mate replied, "She's got a month." He caught a little bit of hell from our supervisor for that remark later.

They decide to call for some back up. Campus police and the RD on duty are contacted, while the two RA's still try to contain Drunky McPunching Stuff to that area of the dorm. My room mate goes downstairs to meet the RD and the cops.

So of course, Drunky does what nearly everybody in an episode of COPS does. She runs. Yelling down the stairwell, the other RA cries out "She's making a break for it!"

Going for the gold, baby!

Two floors down, my room mate breaks into a full sprint. Sees the cops and the RD and was like "This way!" They catch sight of Drunky. The police chase her. One cuts her off. She reverses direction, maybe even throws in a spin move for effect. One police officer finally takes her down, probably not as easily as he thought he would though.

Artist's simulation.

After securing the crazy drunk chick, campus police then begins to question her, the RA's and some of the other girls. An hour and a half later, they managed to get her to the hospital. Probably because she had about a 0.2 or higher BAC. When you've downed a fifth of vodka and you only weigh in at the featherweight class, you've probably got a serious chance of having alcohol poisoning.

She gets to the hospital at about 4:30 in the morning. They take care of her, and promptly discharge her at about 7:30 in the morning. She refuses transport back to campus, deciding to walk back instead. Rex Hospital is nearly six miles away from campus. This girl walks back with her bandaged hand, in pajamas and slippers.

Legend says that on the first night of every semester, you can hear her drunken rants on the third floor of the dorm.

"Ruh Roh!"

Tales From the RA Office

My room mate and I met nearly three years ago when we both began working for NCSU Housing as RA's. That was my junior year, and his super senior year. Yes, he liked his first senior year so much that he decided to do it again. It was probably my best year of undergrad. I lived and worked with some great people that year. At the same time, I also lived and worked with some real MENSA members. This post will be the first installment in a series of posts telling stories from back in the day.

Not 'that' far back in the day.

The first day I met my future room mate, he was wearing a blue T-shirt that said "The MCAT is my bitch!". I'm not kidding. The second day I knew him, he was trying to drink a gallon of milk and failing. Failing miserably. The third day I knew him, he was talking about the time he turned his apartment into a beach themed party with a couple hundred gallons of sand. I think that these first encounters pretty much set the tone for how my time with him goes: entertaining as hell.

One of the people we worked with can only be described in one way. If you've ever watched the television show "The Office" and are familiar with the character of Dwight, then you pretty much know this girl. Deep down, she had the best interests of the staff and the residents at heart. However, her eccentric personality, with her ridiculous solutions to problems and outrageous personal anecdotes really made her stand out.

And just as much fun to mess with.

For the first several weeks we just sort of assumed that she was a little out of her comfort zone, and that once she got to know the rest of the staff she wouldn't have the urge to tell such crazy stories or posit inane ideas. No such luck. As the year went on, we realized that was really who she was. It was probably after the third time she prescribed a concoction of garlic, pepper, honey and lavender to cure a case of the sniffles.

At least lavender doesn't have to surmount the blood-brain barrier.

But enough about the co-worker for right now. It's time to get to some of the really good dirt. And by dirt, I mean residents. And by good, I mean dumb. Never let it be said that we were not lenient RA's. In fact, if we had been completely diligent in the pursuit of our jobs, few if any residents would have escaped with stern reprimands from University Housing.

My floor was a co-ed floor, comprised mostly of people on the same scholarship that I was on. As such, they were largely pretty smart people, and able to hide their miscreant tendencies. My room mate, on the floor below me, was not so lucky. He also ran half of a co-ed floor, except instead of freshmen, he had seniors. Some were even almost as old as him. These were grown men living in the dorm, drinking forties in the hallway.

A regular Tuesday night on his hallway.

Before I begin ragging on his residents, let me say that without my room mate's positive influence, these guys would have turned out worse than they did.

I was on pretty good terms with most of the guys on both my floor and the first floor, or at least as good terms as an authority figure can be on while still attempting to maintain a professional level of involvement. As such, sometimes I would eat meals with them in the dining hall. This story is about the time when myself, another RA and two residents went to the dining hall. Three of us learned that the fourth one might not be too bright.

As we sit down and start eating whatever it was that was being served that night one dude, we'll call him Silly Resident, looks over at another table. Silly Resident says "What is that guy doing?" Intrigued, we look over and see a guy mixing some mustard with a little bit of honey. "He's making honey mustard" we say. Question answered.

Good thing we got that situation resolved quickly. Wait...

Silly Resident doesn't believe us. "That's not how honey mustard gets made" he says adamantly. Puzzled, the rest of us exchange glances before asking if he was serious. Oh, he was serious. "How did you think they made honey mustard dude?" we ask. "I mean, it has to do with the type of mustard seeds they use, or the consistency or something. Right?" Silly Resident says.

"No, no, no. That's not how it works dude. Honey mustard is called honey mustard because it's mustard and honey. It's in the fucking name. How do you not see this? Did you think this was like buffalo wings or some shit?"

Silly Resident's defense? "Well, I mean, I'm not like a mustard connoisseur or anything."

A true mustard connoisseur always uses Gray Poupon.

"Not a mustard connoisseur? Have you ever had mustard before? Yes? Have you ever had honey mustard before? Yes? They taste different, you idiot! This isn't some Mr. Wizard bullshit! It's honey mustard! Honey! Mustard! Damn!"

Pictured: Some Mr. Wizard bullshit.